Category: other

Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Brittney Spears were in an elevator. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Oops I Did It Again!
The next day they entered the elevator again. Someone farted. Shaggy said, It Wasnt Me, Shania said, That Dont Impress Me Much, and Brittney said, Stronger Than Yesterday!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubberband. 11) Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply ice pack to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small shovel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to pick up cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:
EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) – Now stands for “Earnings before I Tricked Dumb
Auditor”.
EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) – Now stands for “Earnings
before Irregularities and Tampering”.
CEO (Chief Executive Officer) – Now stands for “Chief Embezzlement Officer”.
CFO (Chief Financial Officer) – Now stands for “Corporate Fraud Officer”.
NAV (Net Asset Value) – Now stands for “Normal Andersen Valuation”.
EPS (Earnings per Share) – Now stands for “Eventual Prison Sentence”.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Because someone dropped a quarter.

A fella with a glass eye was at a party. Now he had quite a bit to drink. On one occassion his glass eye fell into his drink accidentally. He drank his drink without noticing. Three days after the party, his hangover was gone, but he still had an upset stomach. He went to see his doctor who examined him but couldn’t figure out why the upset stomach. The doctor said .”OK! One last examination left. Please drop your pants and bend over.” The fella does as he’s told. The doctor couldn’t believe what he was seeing. For there looking at him was an eye. The doctor calls, “Whats the matter! Don’t you trust me?”

WHY ? ……

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do ‘tug’ boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call “after dark” when it really is “after light” ?
12. Doesn’t ‘expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?
14. Why do ‘overlook and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A big guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy`s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review her records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Ms. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” returned Ms. Carr, with a giant grin on her face. “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!”

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were getting frustrated one morning because a very slow group of golfers were ahead of them.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We have been waiting for 30 minutes for them to finish the hole!

Doctor: I don’t know but I have never seen such a slow foursome!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s make our complaint to him… “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They are ruining our morning being so slow.”

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight while saving our club house… You remember the fire. So we let them play here anytime free of charge.

( silence )

Priest: That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them at mass.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them.

Engineer: So why can’t those guys play at night?

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

‘Where to?’ he stammered.

‘Kings Cross,’ answered the woman.

‘You got it,’ he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, ‘Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?’

‘Well, madam,’ he answered, ‘I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.’

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
‘Does this answer your question?’

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, ‘Got anything smaller?’