Category: other

What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? “Come behind the pyramid, and I’ll make you a mummy!”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.””Okay,” said the man.”Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”

The woman then says with anticipated agony, “Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!”

To which the dentist replies: “Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.”

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

15> We do chickens, right?

14> Come for the goat cheese. Stay for the pig’s feet!

13> And bring your red-assed baboon!

12> A chestful o’ carcinoma in every puff!

11> A wipe so clean you could eat between them!

10> Find a roach, win a bike!

9> Ding-dong… Diarrhea’s here!

8> 10,000 undertakers can’t be wrong!

7> As Seen On TV If You Were Watching At 4 a.m. Last Tuesday

6> So good you’ll regurgitate it to eat it again

5> Have Another Handful, Lardass

4> It’s the Loaded-With-Alcohol-So-You-Can-Catch-a-Buzz-and-Drown-Out-the-Noise-of-Your-Spouse-and-Kids-Along-With-Your-Cold-Symptoms Medicine

3> Bathroom tissue so squeeze-ably soft, your butt cheeks will give it a bear hug.

2> Almost no chance of infection!

1> Wouldn’t you like to suck our nuts?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Estaba Caperucita Roja pasando por el campo cuando se le present� el lobo feroz y le dijo:

“Hola caperucita, ya yo se que vas donde tu abuelita, y que llevas manzanas y empanadas en tu canasta y tambi�n le llevas jugo de mango.”

Y responde Caperucita: �Y t� c�mo sabes eso?”

“Es que yo tengo una bola de cristal.”

“�Ay, pobrecito!”

Q: Why did santa singh took off his clothes while writing his exam.
A: coz the ouestion paper said ans in brief.

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church
member he hadn’t seen in years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While
she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pipe organ with a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water
and a condom was floating on top. Astonished and shocked, he quickly
turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked
her about it. “Oh, yes,” she said enthusiastically. “While in town last
year, I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said
to keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease. And you know, I
think it works. I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:
EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) – Now stands for “Earnings before I Tricked Dumb
Auditor”.
EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) – Now stands for “Earnings
before Irregularities and Tampering”.
CEO (Chief Executive Officer) – Now stands for “Chief Embezzlement Officer”.
CFO (Chief Financial Officer) – Now stands for “Corporate Fraud Officer”.
NAV (Net Asset Value) – Now stands for “Normal Andersen Valuation”.
EPS (Earnings per Share) – Now stands for “Eventual Prison Sentence”.

What is the biggest jewish delemma of all time? free ham.

“What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?”

“I don’t know, what?”

“Popeye beat the shit out of him!”