Category: other

How do you get a black man out of a tree?

Cut the rope!!

Seen my new secretary?” asked the businessman.

“Yeah,” his buddy replied,” she’s gorgeous.”

“Well, she’s a Robot, the latest model from Japan.”

“Jeez, that’s amazing! What can she do?”

“If you squeeze her left breast, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right breast, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“I almost got hurt once, though.”

“How?”

“Well,” he grimaced, “let’s just say I didn’t know her butt was a pencil sharpener.

Un hombre ve�a por la ventana a su peque�a hija hacer un hombre de nieve con un amiguito. Divertido por lo que ve�a, se acerc� y escuch� al ni�o decir: “Tengo una idea. Para terminarlo, ir� a la cocina por una zanahoria.”

Y su hijita respondi�, “Que sean dos. La segunda puede ser su nariz.”

You’re so ugly it makes your grandmother look hot.

Henry Ford muere y llega al Cielo. En la puerta, San Pedro lo recibe y le dice:

“Bien, t� fuiste una persona buena y ni que decir que tu invenci�n, la l�nea de montaje para autom�viles, cambi� el mundo. Como recompensa, puedes pasear a voluntad en el Cielo. Puedes ir para cualquier lugar”.

Ford piensa por un momento y solicita:

“Yo quiero estar junto a Dios un rato”.

Entonces, San Pedro le pide a un �ngel que acompa�e a Ford a la sala privada del Todopoderoso. Ford entra en la sala y le pregunta a Dios con reverencia:

“Se�or Todopoderoso, cuando inventaste a la mujer, �en qu� pensabas?”

“�Qu� quieres decir con eso?”

�Bueno, Se�or, hay grandes problemas en el proyecto de tu invenci�n:

1. No existe ning�n modelo econ�mico.
2. Hace mucho ruido cuando se calienta.
3. El mantenimiento es extremadamente caro.
4. Necesita constantemente de pintura.
5. Tiene que parar 5 d�as de cada 28.
6. El sistema se tapa y es necesario anularle algunos tramos.
7. Antes del primer tercio de su vida �til se le caen las defensas delanteras y traseras.
8. Las vestiduras se cuartean a los pocos kil�metros.
9. El consumo de combustible es asombroso.
10. Es muy lento comparado con el otro modelo que hiciste.

Y �stos son s�lo algunos de los problemas�.

“Hmmm…, aguarda un minuto”.

Dios va para la Supercomputadora Celestial, hace clic en un icono de la pantalla y, casi instant�neamente, aparece un listado. Dios lee el informe, se vuelve hacia Ford y le dice:

“Puede ser que mi proyecto tenga problemas como t� dices, pero a�n as�, en este preciso momento, hay m�s hombres trepados en mi invento que en el tuyo”.

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

(swallowing) Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: (click)

Drop your trousers here for best results.

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldn’t figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…

The chief answered in his typically poetic way…”When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.”

Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister “Thundering Bird” get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…

The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy…

“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

Un cazador le estaba contando sus aventuras en la selva a su compadre.

“F�jese compadre que yo iba por la selva y como se empez� a poner muy espesa me tuve que ir un poco encorvado. Despu�s se puso m�s espesa me tuve que ir en cuclillas. M�s tarde se puso m�s tupida y me fui a gatas. Por fin llegu� donde ya no hab�a espesura y que me encuentro enfrente de un le�n.”

“�Y que pas� despu�s?” le pregunt� el compadre.

“�Que el le�n hace prrrffffffffffff!”

“��Pero c�mo, si los leones rugen?!”

“�Es que estaba volteado!”

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Un ni�o entra en una tienda y pide una hoja y le explica al dependiente que es para su padre, que quiere disfrazarse de Ad�n por carnaval y necesita la hoja para taparse.

El dependiente se la vende, pero el ni�o vuelve al poco rato:

“Perdone usted, pero… �me podria dar otra m�s grande? �sta no es suficiente.”

As� lo hace y el ni�o… vuelve al poco rato.

“Perdone las molestias, pero a�n no es suficentemente grande.”

El dependiente le da la m�s grande que tiene… pero a los quince minutos vuleve a tener al ni�o en la tienda.

“��A�n no es suficiente!?”

El ni�o dice no con la cabeza t�midamente. El dependiente, ya cabreado, coje una escalera, se sube a la palmera de la calle y corta una hoja y se la da al ni�o.

Pero… poco despu�s… el ni�o vuelve a la tienda. Y entonces el dependiente le dice:

“Mira ni�o, dile a tu padre que se ponga la polla en la boca, los huevos a la espalda y que se disfraze de buzo, �cojones!”