1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth. When you’re not at
all.
Category: other
HOCKEY
A HOCKEY PUCK IS SHOT A HITS ME MOM DAD AND HITS THIS KID AND HE GOS HEY MAN I GO HEY WHAT HAPPENED HE GO O NUTS I GO WHAT HE GO U LIKE PUCKS IN UR NUTS.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do..
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”
BIOLOGY: “You just wanted to get in my genes!”
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”
WOMEN’S STUDIES: “HE did it!”
BUSINESS: Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: “I never liked your body anyway.”
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
Top 10 Things You Do
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They’re clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentaly pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missles to Russia. Say your prayers.8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What’s a law?7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I’m a lost cause.6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.5) And my wife is really my mother.4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It’s been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don’t tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I’ll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I’ll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I’m not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepte …. oh… what? We’re still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh… WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Bra sizes
What those bra size ‘letters’ mean …
A for Almost there
B for Barely boobs
C for Can live with these
D for Damn good
E for Enormous
F for FAKE!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Cool REAL Signs!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
“Best Place in Town to take a Leak”
Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband tried to fix.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it”
At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?”
At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an electrician’s truck
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
greatest people on a
Who is the greatest man on a nude beach: The guy who can fit the most doughnuts on his dickWho is the greatest woman on a nude beach: The woman who can eat all the doughnuts without her hands
Un d�a un florista va
Un d�a un florista va a la peluquer�a a cortarse el cabello. Despues del corte cuando va pagar el servicio que acaba de recibir, el peluquero le indica:
“Lo siento, no puedo aceptar dinero de usted, porque la corte me tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario.”
El florista muy feliz y agradecido sale de la barber�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el peluquero abre su sal�n, encuentra una tarjeta de agradecimiento y una docena de rosas rojas esperando en la puerta.
Ese d�a un polic�a llega a cortarse el pelo y lo mismo, cuando va pagar, el peluquero le indica que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario y que no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por sus servicios.
El polic�a sale muy alegre de la peluquer�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el peluquero llega a la barber�a encuentra un tarjeta de agradeciemiento y una docena de donas glaseadas.
Este d�a, llega un guatemalteco a cortarse el pelo y ciertamente ocurre la misma historia al intentar pagar el servicio, el barbero le indica que debido a que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por cortarle el cabello.
El guatemalteco se va muy feliz de la peluquer�a. La siguiente ma�ana, cuando el barbero llega a su sal�n, qu� creen que encontr�?
…………………………
…………………..
……………..
……….
…….
….
…
..
�UNA DOCENA DE GUATEMALTECOS ESPERANDO CORTARSE EL PELO DE GRATIS!
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
Perfect Wife
No.1 said, “I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel”
No.2 replied, “How lucky for you. Mines still alive.”
The Red Sea
Q. What did Moses do to part the Red Sea.
A. Unzipp his pants and let it fly.
Two Dogs….
The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry… He felt different yet… couldn’t figure why… he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers… He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name…
The chief answered in his typically poetic way…”When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.”
Then, the boy said to the Chief… And how did my sister “Thundering Bird” get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…
The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name… And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe…. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy…
“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”