Category: other

a thief had got into a house and was about to steal the money when someone said jesus is watching u he turned around 2 go when he thought dat he might as well take the money and he was about 2 take the money when again the voice said jesus is watching u he turned on the light and there was a parrot the thief asked the parrot what his name was the parrot said robert the thief said who was so dum 2 name u dat? the parrot said the same 1 who was watching u all the time the thief turned around 2 see a dog(jesus)

Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them” she replied.

The third nun said, “Oh shit.”

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.”Take my advice,” said the neighbour, “and do what I did.Once my husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that cured him.””Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how ?”The neighbour replied, “His name is Bill.”

Queridos pap� y mam�:

Hace ya tres meses que estoy en la universidad y me demor� para escribirles. Siento mucho la demora, pero ahora voy a ponerlos al tanto de todo. Antes de continuar, por favor, si�ntense. �No contin�en leyendo antes de sentarse! �Est� bien?

Ahora ya estoy mejor, la fractura y el traumatismo que tuve al saltar por la ventana de mi cuarto en llamas al llegar aqu�, est�n pr�cticamente curados.

Pas� s�lo 2 semanas en el hospital, mi visi�n est� casi normal y aquellas terribles jaquecas s�lo vuelven una vez por semana.

Como el incendio fue causado por un descuido m�o, tenemos que pagar 50 mil d�lares a la facultad por los da�os causados, pero eso no es nada, pues lo importante es que estoy vivo.

Felizmente, la empleada de la lavander�a que queda al frente lo vio todo. Fue ella quien llam� a la ambulancia y avis� a los bomberos. Ella tambi�n fue a verme al hospital y, como yo no ten�a a donde ir, con mi apartamento reducido a cenizas, tuvo la gentileza de invitarme a vivir con ella.

En verdad es un cuarto en un s�tano, pero es muy agradable. Ella tiene el doble de mi edad, estamos perdidamente enamorados y nos queremos casar. Todav�a no fijamos la fecha, pero ser� antes de que su embarazo sea muy evidente.

Queridos padres, ser� pap�. S� como ustedes ans�an ser abuelos y estoy seguro que acoger�n a los beb�s (son trillizos) con todo el amor y cari�o que me dieron cuando yo era peque�o.

Lo �nico que est� atrasando nuestra uni�n, es una peque�a infecci�n que mi novia cogi� y que nos impide hacer los an�lisis prematrimoniales. Yo tambi�n, por descuido, acab� infect�ndome, pero estoy mejor con la penicilina que me pongo diariamente.

S� que ustedes la recibir�n con los brazos abiertos en nuestra familia; ella es muy amable, y a�n no habiendo estudiado, tiene mucha ambici�n. Aunque no sea de nuestra misma religi�n, s� que ustedes son tolerantes y que tampoco les importar� el hecho de que su piel sea un poco m�s oscura que la nuestra.

Estoy seguro que la querr�n tanto como yo y, como ella tiene m�s o menos su edad, se llevar�n muy bien y se divertir�n mucho juntos.

Como donde vivimos es muy peque�o, pretendo regresar para casa con toda mi nueva familia. Sus padres son tambi�n muy buenas personas, parece que su padre es un famoso mercenario de la aldea africana de donde ella es.

Ahora que ya saben todo, es preciso que les diga que no hubo incendio alguno, no tuve traumatismo ni fractura en el cr�neo, no fui al hospital, no tengo novia, no tengo s�filis, y no hay ninguna mujer negra en mi vida.

La verdad es que saqu� cero en F�sica, 2 en Matem�ticas y 1 en Biolog�a, y quise mostrarles que existen cosas peores en la vida que notas bajas.

Un beso de su hijo.

Unos compadres iban a cruzar la frontera y como ya lo hab�an intentado varias veces y no lo lograban, decidieron disfrazarse de vaca entre los dos. Al pasar la frontera el compadre que ven�a detr�s le dice al otro:

“Compadre, compadre, apriete el paso que ah� viene un poli”.

“�Compadre, apriete el culo que ah� viene un buey!”, le responde el otro.

1.)Wheres the Mother bear?

2.)Are you sure the powers off?

3.)Hey, whet does this button do?

4.)Ahhhhhhh, ghost. “Bob, it’s only me.”

5.) The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

6.) Black cat on a full moon. Ooooooooh scary.

7.) We’re sinking, we’re sinking captain. what should we do. We
are only taking on boyance.

8.) I love Osama Bin laden.

(9.) Time magazine votes bin Laden man of the year.

Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left. —Jay Leno

A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she’d been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning. After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he’d been alone on this barren bit of land.”Almost twenty years,” he said.”Twenty years!” she exclaimed.”But how ever did you survive?” “Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts,” he replied.”And what do you do for sex?” she asked.”What’s that?” He looked puzzled. Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. “Great!” was the reply.”But look what it did to my clam digger!”

A LADY WALKINGDOWN THE ROAD. SHE HAS ON HEAVY MAKE UP. SUDENLY THE RAIN START TO FALL. SHE MADE THE MISTAKE AND WIPED HER FACE, AND HER WHOLE FACE MOVED.

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and “dress decent”. ”No, I want to show off my rosebuds!” she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. ”Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I’m so embarrassed!” ”No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.”

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth. When you’re not at
all.