What do lawyers, McDonalds hamburgers, election promises, and a
Johnny-on-the-Spot have in common?
They’re all loaded with shit.
Category: other
Elevator Ride
A small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover.”
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, “what’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover”
The small guy says ,”Thank God! I thought you said ‘Bend Over.'”
Wendy
There’s this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets ‘Wendy’ tattooed on his penis. When it’s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads ‘Wy’.
So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has ‘Wy’ tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, ‘Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named “Wendy” and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?’
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to his and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, ‘No, mon. Mine says, “Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.”‘
El se�or gato iba manejando
El se�or gato iba manejando su auto y en eso choca con el auto del se�or gallo.
El se�or gato baja y dice, “�MIUAto, MIAUto!”
Y el se�or gallo le responde, “�KIKIRIquiaga!”
Ha muerto Don Nicanor y
Ha muerto Don Nicanor y la gente lo esta velando.U na mujer al mirar el cad�ver ve que el finado ten�a un pene super grande, se da vuelta y le comenta a una amiga:
“Mira, igualito al de mi marido.”
El marido mas atr�s escucha esto y saca pecho. La amiga sorprendida dice:
“�As� de grande?”
“No, as� de muerta.”
Two [ethnics] both worked in
Two [ethnics] both worked in the airport, Toronto, filling up the
planes with gas. They had been doing this for a number of
years.
One day,Mike shouted over to Jim, who was away over on
the other wing. “Jim, some of the gas splashed me and I have
found that it has the flavor of our [ethnic] screech, try it!”
He does, and yells back, “Lets take some in our thermoses!”
So they filled their thermoses and shortly went home.
After a couple of hours,
Mike phoned his buddy, to ask how he was doing with the
booze?
He replied “Fantastic, Mike”
Mike then warned Jim,
“What ever you do, don’t fart! I’m phoning you from Calgary!”
Say it slowly
* Two blondes were on a road trip.they passed through Matasheuchetts ,
Louisiana.The two blondes started argueing about how to pronounce the name of
the city.Finnaly they turned into a fast food restaurant, they went in and said
to the man behind the counter, “Could you tell us where we are and say it
slowly” The man replied: “BURRR-GERR-KII-NG”
An Unusual Costume
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party
stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
“Where’s your costume?” he hissed through clenched teeth.
“This is it,” she calmly explained. “I came as Adam.”
“Adam?” her host exploded. “You don’t even have a dick!”
“I just got here, Jeremy,” she replied. “Give me a few minutes.”
I am plagued by doubts. What if everything…
I am plagued by doubts. What if everything is an illusion and
nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
The Irish Driver
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over…
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”.
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”
Over processed
Tina and Kelly were sitting home on a Saturday evening.
Tina is known for her wit in cracking jokes.
She tells Kelly that she looked liked a french poodle.
Kelly “replies” you have the audacity to say I look like a french poodle when you look like over processed meat.
Ferrari Hires Liverpool Lads as Pit Crew
The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was made after Ferrari F1 team boss Ross Brawn saw a BBC documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 sec without proper equipment.
This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage.
However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tyres in under 4 seconds but within 10 seconds they had resprayed & re-numbered the car, and sold it to the McLaren team.