Yours Fun Portal !
An old man an his wife were going to the docter because the old man had to get a checkup.When they got to the doctor’s office the doctor said to the old man”I need your uran sample””.””What…What..””replied the old man.””He needs your underwear””said the old man’s wife.
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Dos sacerdotes estaban hospedados en un convento para participar en un gran evento religioso. Para no incomodar a las hermanas que resid�an all�, los curas sal�an poco de su cuarto y tomaban el ba�o muy tarde, para no encontrarse con ninguna monja. Una noche salieron de su cuarto a tomar el ba�o y ya estando all� se dieron cuenta que no hab�a jabones. Entonces, uno de ellos dijo:
“Yo tengo jabones en mi cuarto. Voy a buscarlos”.
Pensando en ganar tiempo, y sin imaginar que pudiera aparecerse alguien a esas horas, el padre fue a buscar los jabones completamente desnudo. Ya en su cuarto, tom� dos jabones, uno en cada mano, y se dirigi� al ba�o, donde lo esperaba el otro religioso. A mitad del corredor se encontr� con tres monjas que se quedaron perplejas. Como no hab�a donde esconderse, el sacerdote se peg� a la pared y se qued� inm�vil, como una estatua. Las tres hermanas se acercaron a la estatua, admirando la perfecci�n de la obra, hasta que una de ellas llev� una mano a los genitales y jal� el miembro del padre, que, asustado, dej� escapar un jab�n. La segunda monja exclam�:
“�Madre m�a, es una estatua distribuidora de jabones!”
Las hermanas se quedaron maravilladas y, para comprobarlo, la otra hermana tambi�n jal� del miembro del padre, que inmediatamente solt� un jab�n m�s. Entonces, la tercera monja repiti� la operaci�n y no vio ning�n jab�n. Intent� jalar una vez m�s �y nada! Otra vez y otra vez, todo para recibir un jab�n, hasta que grit�, llena de entusiasmo:
“�Hermanas, la estatua tambi�n suelta jab�n l�quido!”
in a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. these two
statues faced each other for many years.
early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “since the
two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, i am giving you your greatest wish. i hereby give you the gift of life.
you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” and with that command, the
statues came to life.
the two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. the angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two
statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
after fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling.
puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “you
still have fifteen minutes. would you like to continue?”
the male statue looked at the female and asked, “do you want to do it again?”
smiling, the female statue said, “sure. but this time you hold the pigeon down
and i’ll s*** on it’s head!”
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!
Yo’ mama so fat, she broke the family tree!
“I’m not going to school today,” Alexander said to his mother.
“The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don’t like me.”
“You’re going, and that’s final,” said his mother. “I’ll give you two good reasons why.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Firstly, you’re 35 years old. And secondly you’re the principal.”
Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman
The following are genuine letters sent to landlords…
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.
3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.
7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.
13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.
14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.
St. Peter goes to the nuns and says “I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.”
The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. “I once touched a man’s penis with this finger”. St. Peter thought for a while and said. “I’m sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.” She did as she was instructed and “PING” she was in.
The second nun went to St. Peter and said, “I once touched a man’s genitals with my entire right hand.” Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, “I’m sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.” The second nun did as she was instructed and “ping” she was in.
All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. “How come you cut in front of Sister?”
The 4th nun replied, “I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!”
A small guy gets into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover.”
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, “what’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Ben Hoover”
The small guy says ,”Thank God! I thought you said ‘Bend Over.'”
What do lawyers, McDonalds hamburgers, election promises, and a
Johnny-on-the-Spot have in common?
They’re all loaded with shit.
Un d�a se muere un tipo y se encuentra en el infierno. Mientras tiritaba de desesperaci�n tuvo su primer encuentro con el diablo:
“�Qu� te pasa, cabr�n?”, le cuestiona el diablo.
“�Qu� te parece? �Estoy en el infierno!”
“No est� tan mal. Actualmente tenemos un mont�n de diversi�n aqu�. �Te gusta beber?”
“Seguro, amo el alcohol”.
“Bueno, vas a amar los lunes entonces. Los lunes todo lo que hacemos es beber whisky, tequila, vino… bebemos hasta que reventamos y luego bebemos un poquito m�s”.
“Je, je, suena grandioso”.
“�Eres fumador?”
“M�s de lo que crees”.
“�Perfecto, vas a amar los martes! Conseguimos los cigarros m�s finos de todo el mundo y fumamos hasta que vomitamos los pulmones. Si te agarras c�ncer, no hay problema: ya est�s muerto”.
“�Guau!”
“Apuesto a que te gusta el juego.”
“S�, en realidad, s�”.
“Bien, porque los mi�rcoles es el d�a del juego: ruleta, black jack, carreras de caballos; lo que quieras. Hasta hemos abierto una mesa de strip-poker”.
“�Mierda, nunca antes hab�a jugado strip-poker!”
“Bueno, ahora puedes. �Te gustan las drogas?”
“S�, amo las drogas. No querr�s decir qu�…?”
“�Exacto! Los jueves es el d�a de las drogas. Puedes meter tu cabeza en un bol de crack. Fumar un porro del tama�o de un submarino. Puedes hacer lo que quieras con las drogas y si se te va la mano con la dosis, est� todo bien: ya est�s muerto.
“�Carajo, nunca imagin� que el infierno fuera un lugar con tanta onda!”
“�Eres gay?”
“�Oh, no!”
“Uf, vas a odiar los viernes”.
Men are like……marshmellows when they get hot they get all sticky!!!