Hot Dogs

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”

The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”

Wal-Mart Vs Heaven

I consider Wal-Mart to be God’s gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: motto – EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: motto – EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam’s choice cola — now on sale!

Paco abre un restaurante en

Paco abre un restaurante en la autopista y su amigo Pepe le dice:

“Paco, pon un cartel en el camino para atraer a los clientes.”

Un mes despu�s Pepe pasa por la autopista y no ve ning�n cartel, pasa el restaurante y piensa que Paco se arrepinti� de la colocaci�n del cartel.

Unos 10 minutos depu�s encuentra un cartel luminoso que dice:

“Restaurante. Retroceda 5 Km.”

Aussie Talk Back

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim. The phone-in competition was to give an English word that’s not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles. The show went as follows (don’t forget the Aussie accent): Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim. What’s your name and what’s your word’ Caller: ‘This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. ‘Jim: ‘Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’ Bob from the bush: ‘Gaan f*** yourself!’ Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: ‘Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.’ Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later… Jim: ‘Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What’s your name and what’s your word.’ Caller: ‘This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. ‘ Jim: ‘Thanks Steve, we’re just checking… and… yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.’ Steve: ‘Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!’

Dos sacerdotes estaban hospedados en

Dos sacerdotes estaban hospedados en un convento para participar en un gran evento religioso. Para no incomodar a las hermanas que resid�an all�, los curas sal�an poco de su cuarto y tomaban el ba�o muy tarde, para no encontrarse con ninguna monja. Una noche salieron de su cuarto a tomar el ba�o y ya estando all� se dieron cuenta que no hab�a jabones. Entonces, uno de ellos dijo:

“Yo tengo jabones en mi cuarto. Voy a buscarlos”.

Pensando en ganar tiempo, y sin imaginar que pudiera aparecerse alguien a esas horas, el padre fue a buscar los jabones completamente desnudo. Ya en su cuarto, tom� dos jabones, uno en cada mano, y se dirigi� al ba�o, donde lo esperaba el otro religioso. A mitad del corredor se encontr� con tres monjas que se quedaron perplejas. Como no hab�a donde esconderse, el sacerdote se peg� a la pared y se qued� inm�vil, como una estatua. Las tres hermanas se acercaron a la estatua, admirando la perfecci�n de la obra, hasta que una de ellas llev� una mano a los genitales y jal� el miembro del padre, que, asustado, dej� escapar un jab�n. La segunda monja exclam�:

“�Madre m�a, es una estatua distribuidora de jabones!”

Las hermanas se quedaron maravilladas y, para comprobarlo, la otra hermana tambi�n jal� del miembro del padre, que inmediatamente solt� un jab�n m�s. Entonces, la tercera monja repiti� la operaci�n y no vio ning�n jab�n. Intent� jalar una vez m�s �y nada! Otra vez y otra vez, todo para recibir un jab�n, hasta que grit�, llena de entusiasmo:

“�Hermanas, la estatua tambi�n suelta jab�n l�quido!”

The Living Statues

in a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. these two
statues faced each other for many years.

early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “since the
two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, i am giving you your greatest wish. i hereby give you the gift of life.
you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” and with that command, the
statues came to life.

the two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. the angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two
statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

after fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling.

puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “you
still have fifteen minutes. would you like to continue?”

the male statue looked at the female and asked, “do you want to do it again?”

smiling, the female statue said, “sure. but this time you hold the pigeon down
and i’ll s*** on it’s head!”

I followed the Tracks

One day an Aggie, a Lonhgorn, and a Baylor bear are hunting.
They each
are gonna go for a day.

The longhorn goes first. He leaves early in the morning. He
does not come
back until very late that night. He had a huge 12 point buck
with him.
The Baylorbear and Aggie ask him how he did it. He replied “
Simple, I
followed the tracks and… boom I hit him.”

The Baylor Bear goes the next day day and the same thing
happens. A beautiful
12 point buck. The Aggie asks How did you do it. He replies
“Simple, I followed
the tracks and… boom I hit him.

The next day the Aggie goes. He leaves very early and doesn’t
come back that night.
The Baylor bear and Longhorn think he probably just got got
tired and made a camp
somewhere. They figured he’d be back early in the morning.

Morning comes and sure enough he’s there. The Aggie is standing
there all beat up and
has bruises all over his body. The Longhorn and Baylor bear are
curious and they ask what happened.
He says ” I followed the tracks and… boom a train hit me!