Yours Fun Portal !
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked “What’s the problem, pal?”
“My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Don’t you realize?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”
1. Words can’t describe your outfit, so I’ll just throw up
2. They can’t measure your intellegect. The scale won’t go that low.
3. Apperances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
4. I promist not to make fun of your height. I wouldn’t stoop to that.
5. I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more to not like about you.
6. I think you stepped on something smelly. Oh its your feet.
7. I’ve seen tables with nicer looking legs.
8. Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death.
9. You’re mouths the perfect size…for your foot.
10. I’ve seen a nose like yours before, but it lookes better on the baboon
11. You know what I like about your face? Me neither.
12. You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
13. Why don’t you do something different with your hair, like wash it.
14. You’re a person or rare intelligence…its rare you show any.
15. You’ll never use your mind. You can’t use something you’ve never had.
16. You’ve made this date one I’ll never forget…no matter how hard I try
to forget
17. I know why they call this a “blind date”…now that I’ve seen you…I
wish I was blind.
18. You’re like disposable diapers…always getting dumped on.
19. SOMEONE ELSE: “What are you doing Friday night?”
YOU: “Trying to forget you asked me that.
20. SOMEONE ELSE: “What’s he/she got that I haven’t?”
YOU: “You want it alphibetically?”
21. I’ve seen better looking hair in my shower drain.
22. I’ve seen better looking hair in my grandma’s nose.
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.The woman, concerned about her friend’s welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said “Doctor, I’m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”The doctor replied “Well, she’s 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”The patient’s friend replied “She’s been working since she was 18 years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?””Well,” said the doctor, “if she’s been working for 16 years and hasn’t rejected an organ, I don’t think she’s about to start now!”
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour’s house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. “Excuse me,” the man stammered, “But I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful your wife is.”
“Yeah? So?” his hulking neighbour replied.
“Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.”
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
“OK,” the husband says gruffly, “For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife’s breasts.”
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
“Well, come on already, kiss ’em!” he growls.
“I can’t,” replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
“Why not?” demands the husband, getting really angry now.
“I don’t have ten thousand dollars.”
a man goes into an indian grocers for a pint of milk….the man behind the counter asks what he would like..
the man replies(A PINT OF MILK PLEASE)
the owner replies(YOU WANT A CREW CUT)
(NO)replies the man (A BOTTLE OF MILK)
(YOU WANT SHORT BACK AND SIDES)replies the owner.
(NO) replies the man (A BOTTLE OF MILK):
(YOU WANT PERM)says the indian :
the man lookes over to the owners son sat on a sack of flour and says:
(COULD YOU HAVE A WORD WITH YOUR FATHER HE DOSENT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND ME:)
the young boy replies
(YOU”LL HAVE TO EXCUSE HIM HE ONLY SPEAKS HAIRDO:::
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn’t want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he’s going to be gone for several weeks.
The store’s clerk replies, “well I have one thing, but it’s kind of expensive.”
The man asks “is there’s anything else?”
The clerk says “not that will for sure work.”
So the man says “alright, what is it?”
“Well it’s called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck.”
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said “voodoo dick my pussy”.
Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn’t know how to get it to stop, and can’t figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She’s driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she’s still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she’s driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks “what the fuck are you doing?”
She explains about how her husband didn’t want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can’t figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says “voodoo dick my ass.”
Resulta que Manolo se encuentra durmiendo, cuando de pronto suena su tel�fono a las 3 de le ma�ana; todo desvelado y con sue�o contesta:
“�Hola?”
Y una voz le dice: “Ho…la…ya…s�…ha…blar”.
Y Manolo todo furioso le contesta:
“�Qu�, me llamas a las 3 de la ma�ana para decirme que ya aprendiste a hablar, desgraciada!”
“�Es…que…soy…una…va…ca!”
Actual Label Instructions
On can of wet cat food:
This is not for humans!
On a Kennmore washing machine box:
Take clothes off before washing
( Dang! Kids get out of the washer! )
On a tube of toothpaste:
Best results if used on teeth.
What’s the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
Michael Jackson has had more noses.
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.”
He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”
The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan – OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”
Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?Because he only comes once a year.. and that’s down a chimney.
Pepito llama al oficial de polic�a:
“Oficial, mi pap� se est� peleando con un tipo.”
“�D�nde?”
“A la vuelta de la esquina.”
Doblan la esquina y efectivamente dos tipos se est�n sacando la mugre a golpes. El oficial le pregunta a Pepito:
“R�pido Pepito, dime �quien de los dos es tu pap�?”
“�En eso andan, oficial!”