Category: other

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?

Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

Tres mujeres est�n conversando de sexo. Una de ellas les pregunta a las otras:

“�Y ustedes c�mo saben cuando est�n excitadas?”

“Yo voy al ba�o y me toco el calz�n; si est� mojado, estoy excitada”, contesta la primera.

“Yo me toco los pezones; si est�n duritos estoy excitada”, responde otra.

“Pues para m� es s�per f�cil: me meto un choclo en la vagina; si salen palomitas (pop corn, rosetas, etc.) estoy excitada”.

You’re so ugly your mom couldn’t tell if it was you or Freddy Krueger at the door.

There was a man from Georgia staying the night in a hotel. He called the front desk and said, “Excuse me, sir, I’ve got a leak in my sink.”The man at the front desk replied, “Oh, okay, If ya really need to go that badly, please go ahead.”

As you may or may not know, the Catholic church used to have a rule that
when a woman went to church on Sundays, she should wear a hat to show
respect to God.

It was during these days that a stripper felt all alone in the world. She
needed some guidance. She knew that she needed God. It just so happened
that there were some churches across the street from her. So she went into
the first one. It was a Baptist church. They wouldn’t even see her.
Neither would the Presbyterian church next door. Feeling more alone,
confused, and distraught than before, she tried her last hope on the
Catholic church down the street.

She saw the priest outside and immediately told him that she would like to
join his church. He said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you.” By this
time she was at the end of her rope. She couldn’t believe so many of God’s
servants could be so rude. She decided to ask the priest one more time. He
again said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t let you in here.” She quickly
retorted, “Well why not? I have a perfect right!” The priest answered
back, “Yes! and an esquisite left, but you CAN’T come in here without a
hat!!”

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!””Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman.”Do you know anything about this at all?””No, constable”, said the man.”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Your mama is so fat, her stomach arrives home 30 minutes before she does.

What do true rednecks do on Halloween?

– Pump kin.

Mum :What will you give your grandma on her 100th birthday?
Jerry :A fire extinguisher.
Mum :But why?
Jerry :How would you expect an old lady like grandma to blow out 100 candles?

What did one fat chick say to the other?
Who cares, they’re both fat.

Un marinero algo ignorante que llevaba a�os en alta mar vuelve a su hogar y descubre sorprendido que tiene un hijo negro. Debido a que era totalmente blanco le pregunta a su esposa: “Pero… �como es posible que tengamos un hijo negro si yo soy blanco y t� tambi�n?”

“Ver�s, como no ten�a leche, tuve que buscarme una ama de cr�a para que amamantara al ni�o, y como ella era negra, el ni�o se puso de ese color.”

El marinero, no muy convencido, decide ir a consultarlo con su madre, le cuenta la historia y la madre responde:

“Claro que puede ser, f�jate por ejemplo en ti mismo, de peque�o te di leche de vaca, y mira que lindos cuernos te est�n saliendo, �idiota!”

Three guys who have just got married are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive about how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening.

One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

`All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night,’ he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for four slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs-up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear, orders six slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a `good-on-yer’ look.

The next guy orders a full English breakfast, and then asks for eight slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter, `Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please, mate.’