Category: other

Estaba un borracho afuera de su casa y le grita a su mujer:

“Vieja, �breme la puerta.”

Y su mujer le responde: “No porque vienes borracho, all� te vas a quedar afuera.”

Entonces en tono molesto le dice:

“Abre la puerta o la tumbo a patadas.”

Y la respuesta de la mujer fue la misma, hasta que le dice en tono dulce pero morboso:

“Viejita, si abres la muerta te voy a agarrar como a las lagartijas.”

Entoces la mujer a bre la puerta y la pregunta:

“�Como las lagartijas, y c�mo es eso?”

Y le dice el borrach�n:

“�A PEDRADAS!”

Once upon a time there was a perfect woman, and a perfect man. One day they met and fell in love. As the time past on this perfect couple they got married. After a perfect wedding they got in their perfect car and starting driving up a perfect winding road and then they realized a man up ahead in distresse. It turned out to be Santa Claus. Being the perfect couple in all they decided to pick Santa Claus up and deliver toys around the world since it was Christmas Eve. As they were delivering toys there was a big car crash only one of the three people survived. Was it The Perfect Woman, The Perfect Man, or Santa Claus?

If you chose the Perfect Woman then you are correct because everyone knows that there is no such thing as Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a pefect man!

Tired of the overuse of four-letter words? Here’s one solution:Give your friends, family, and fellow students (who are abusers) thisShakespearean Insult Kit to use as a suitable replacement when themood arises.********************************************************************** THE OFFICIAL SHAKESPEAREAN INSULT KIT To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with ‘Thou’: Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-bornhugger-mugger mangled hell-hated joithead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet qualling motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlet wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail What warped beetle-headed ratsbane. Such surly tickle-brained measle. More warped hasty-witted puttock.Hey try a few. They feel sooooo good. Who would you liketo call a fobbing swag-bellied codpiece? Is there a grammarlesson here?

There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in
another life.

They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one
died, the other would attend a s�ance exactly four weeks later and contact the
other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow
and visits a s�ance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: “Is there anybody there? I’m seeking my deceased husband John. Is he
there?”

Strange, booming voice: “Mary? Is that you, Mary?”

Mary: “Yes John, is that you?”

John: “Yes, it’s me.”

Mary: “How are things where you are, John? What’s it like?”

John: “Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime,
which lasts about half-hour, and then we make love until dinner. After dinner,
we make love until we fall asleep. It’s great. I can’t wait until you get
here.”

Mary (shocked): “Is that what Heaven’s like?”

John: “I’m not in Heaven.”

Mary (fearing the worst): “Then where are you?”

John: “I’m a rabbit in Florida!”

A man was walking in the city, when he was interrupted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“No. I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “Hey, man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf!”

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic mother says, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, “Well?”

So she replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2”, hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, “Oh my God!”

A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London”How much?” he asked”It’ll cost ya twenty quid” replied the tart”American Express?” he inquired”You can go as fast as you like” she said

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub.

They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one’s wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, “Hey, Stanley, wasn’t this Anya’s arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her.”

“I dunno, Victor,” said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

“Stanley, couldn’t this be part of Anya? She had great legs.”
Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman’s head, which he held out at arm’s length for his friend’s inspection.

“Nope,” said Stanley at last. “Anya was a lot taller.”

The next time your having a bad day think about this:
-you are a siamees twin
-your brother attached to your soldure is gay
-your NOT
-he has a date coming over tonight
-but you only have one Ass

“Hola, cari�o, �c�mo te fue en el golf?”, pregunt� Estela a su esposo Pedro.

“Bien, estaba dando buenos golpes, pero mi vista est� tan mal que no ve�a a donde iba la bola”.

“�Claro, si tienes 75 a�os, qu� esperabas! �Por qu� no llevas a mi hermano Santiago contigo?”

“�Pero si �l tiene 85 y ya no juega golf!”

“Pero su vista sigue perfecta. �l puede ver a donde va la bola y decirte”.

Al d�a siguiente, Pedro estaba jugando y Santiago miraba a su lado. Pedro golpe� con fuerza y la bola sali� disparada un buen tramo.

“�La viste?”, pregunt� Pedro.

“S�”, respondi� Santiago.

“Bueno, �y d�nde cay�?” pregunt� Pedro, esforzando la vista sin alcanzar a ver nada.

“Ya no me acuerdo…”

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, “If you’re going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.”

He then said to his aide, “Let him go.” The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.

The general looked straight at his new people and said “You’re each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.”

He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general’s family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, “This is COMMITMENT!”

He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.

“That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”

There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, “I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”