Category: other

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ”Now, what do I give them to drink?”

Why has phones been stopped in china?
Because there is so many wings and so many wongs,you might wing the wong number

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.”Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.

Cierto d�a, todos los n�meros 0 ten�an una fiesta, pero un 8 que andaba por ah� tambi�n quer�a entrar:

“�Demonios, esos malditos n�meros racistas no me van a dejar entrar a su fiesta!”

Entonces, se le ocurri� un plan. As� que entra a la fiesta como si nada; pero al ver esto los n�meros 0, se acercan a �l y le reclaman:

“Eh, idiota, �sta es una fiesta de n�meros 0, �qu� haces aqu� si t� eres un 8?”

“�Ea, tranquilos hermanos, si tan s�lo me apret� mucho el cintur�n!”

Un hombre entra en un bar y pide un whisky, minutos despu�s de haber tomado otro. El camarero observa que el hombre al mismo tiempo que bebe introduce su mano en el bolsillo y saca algo, lo observa y acto seguido lo vuelve a guardar. Cuando ya no pude aguantar la curiosidad, se acerca al hombre y le pregunta:

“�Podr�a decirme que es lo que saca del bolsillo y contempla con tanta insistencia?”

“S�, es la foto de mi suegra, cuando la empiezo a encontrar agradable es que es hora de dejar de beber.”

Estaba un borracho afuera de su casa y le grita a su mujer:

“Vieja, �breme la puerta.”

Y su mujer le responde: “No porque vienes borracho, all� te vas a quedar afuera.”

Entonces en tono molesto le dice:

“Abre la puerta o la tumbo a patadas.”

Y la respuesta de la mujer fue la misma, hasta que le dice en tono dulce pero morboso:

“Viejita, si abres la muerta te voy a agarrar como a las lagartijas.”

Entoces la mujer a bre la puerta y la pregunta:

“�Como las lagartijas, y c�mo es eso?”

Y le dice el borrach�n:

“�A PEDRADAS!”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change….

A lady walks into her doctor’s office, screaming.

She yells, “Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?”

The doctor asks, “Well, how long does the hair grow?”

The lady replies, “From here to my penis, but that’s a different story!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. Things got out of hand, everyone got pissed and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court.” The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.” The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says “OK.” “Well”, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.” The Judge instantly responded…”Wow.. that must have hurt!”Paddy replies “HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!”

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man’s undivided attention.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “Bowling For Food”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:
8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Judge Laden”
8:30 – “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 – “Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire”
9:30 – “Achmeds Creek”
10:00 – “No-witness News”