Category: other

1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.

2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.

3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!

5. I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been
giving me lately!

6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
“CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.”

7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?

8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?

9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?

10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

En la sala de espera de la maternidad, un j�ven recibe la noticia de que acaba de ser padre y cae al suelo redondo.

Mientras la enfermera que le ha informado le atiende, sale el doctor con el reci�n nacido en brazos y, sorprendido al ver al joven desmayado le pregunta a la enfermera:

“�Qu� ha sucedido?”

“�Cre� que me preguntaba la hora y le dije SEIS!”

Cada a�o, un Rab� Jud�o, despu�s de la Semana Santa se presentaba ante el Papa y le entregaba un sobre sellado viej�simo y amarillo. El Papa lo cog�a, lo ve�a y se lo entregaba de nuevo al Rab�. Esto hab�a tenido lugar por casi 2,000 a�os.

Pero sucedi� que un d�a hab�a sido ordenado un Papa nuevo, y el Rab� encargado de venir desde Israel a presentar el sobre, tambi�n era nuevo. As� que al tomar lugar el acto dijo el Papa:

“�Qu� clase de ceremonia es �sta?, tengo entendido que ha sido observada por casi 2,000 a�os, y no s� su significado.”

“�Ni yo! Es nuestra costumbre enviar a alguien cada a�o por estas fechas con este sobre al Vaticano.”

“Abramos ese viejo sobre a ver que contiene.”

El Rab� lo abre, lo lee y exclama: “�Incre�ble! �es el cobro por los v�veres consumidos en la �ltima Cena!”

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.

They finally get her into the president’s office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets”.

The president replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square”. “Ha!” says the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet”.

The old lady says, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady says “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?”

“Sure” says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president’s balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.

The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. “Well, OK” says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure”.

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , “What is wrong with your lawyer?”

She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hands!”

Three nun’s were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, “Of course not”.
The younger nun asked “Did it hurt?”
The sister replied “Of course! He never called and he never wrote.”

There was once an Irish guy named Paddy who walked down the
street everyday with his best mate Conor. It is quite cold in
Ireland so Paddy like to wear earmuffs to keep his ears warm.

So this day Paddy and Conor were walking down the street and
Paddys earmuffs got taken by this guy walking past and he ran
off. Paddy was really cheesed off but bought another pair of
earmuffs to wear tomorrow. So the next day Paddy wore his
earmuffs and they got taken again so he bought a new pair to
wear the next day and once again they got taken. The next day
Paddy wore grenades on his ears and Conor said “Why have you got
them things on your ears for Paddy?” and Paddys reply was “Well,
when that bastard goes to take me earmuffs today Im gonna blow
his blommin hands off!”

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.

“Your organ,” she replied. “It’s a bit on the small side.”

Hurt, he replied: “It’s not used to playing in cathedrals.”

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest
and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?
My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and
lack of bath.
Well, I’ll be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?
I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

one day a blonde burrnette and a red head took a walk though the
woods and they found a track and the blonde said i think they
are
dog tracks the burnette said no they are bear tracks and the red
head
said yall are both wrong they are panther tracks they were still
arguing when the train hit them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital,and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine.The younger man said,I guess you have been here a few times, Yes, said the older man. The young man said, “how long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?The older guy said,”It depends if she’s in a public ward or a private ward!!!!

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Boy walks into pet store and says “May I get a dog for my
sister?” The Pet store owner looks at him and his sister and
says, “Sorry buddy, we don’t accept trades…”