Category: other

Un hombre que viv�a en un condominio tuvo muchos problemas, ya que �ste ten�a un perro y la due�a del lugar una gata. La se�ora le dijo que si el perro le hac�a algo a su mascota lo echar�a de su apartamento. El trato que hicieron fue que el perro saldr�a en la ma�ana, y en la noche se quedar�a encerrado para que la gata pudiera salir sin peligro alguno.

Una noche, el tipo hizo una fiesta y, sin darse cuenta, el can se escap� entre los invitados. De repente, el animal apareci� con la gata muerta y sucia entre sus fauces. El hombre casi se muere del susto, y de inmediato solicito la ayuda de sus amigos, y entre todos ba�aron a la gata, le lavaron el lazo, lo plancharon y la perfumaron, para posteriormente colocarla frente a la puerta de la due�a.

Apenado, el individuo evad�a todos los d�as a la se�ora, hasta que un d�a ya no pudo y ella le cont�:

“Sucedi� algo muy raro. Se muri� mi gata y la enterr�, pero… �A la ma�ana siguiente apareci� completamente limpia enfrente de mi casa!”

Jaimito estaba en el sal�n de clase con sus compa�eros. Como la profesora no llegaba, todos los alumnos comenzaron a hacer alboroto. Cuando lleg� la profesora vio el desorden que hab�a y comenz� a interrogar a los ni�os.

“Juanita, �Qu� haz hecho t�?”

“Yo dibuj� en la pizarra.”

“Pedrito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� mi pupitre contra el suelo.”

“Jaimito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� serpentina por la ventana.”

“Caramba, aprendan de Jaimito que no es un malcriado como ustedes.”

Pero al pasar unos minutos, tocan la puerta de la clase y entra una ni�a toda golpeada. La profesora le pregunta:

“�Qui�n eres?”

“Yo me llamo Serpentina.”

Dear Billy joe Bob,
I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your
home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not
sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes
in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father
out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven’t found out what
it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had
him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they
couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”

George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.

Heard about the Polish hockey team?

They all drowned in spring training.

La verdadera felicidad est� en las peque�as cosas: una peque�a mansi�n, un peque�o yate, una peque�a fortuna.

La pol�tica se diferencia de la alpargata en que da lo mismo la izquierda que la derecha.

Lo importante no es ganar. Lo que importa es competir, sin perder ni empatar.

La verdad no es lo que importa… �Sino tener raz�n!

Tener conciencia limpia es signo de mala memoria.

El que es capaz de sonre�r cuando todo le est� saliendo mal, es porque ya tiene pensado a quien echarle la culpa.

R�ase s�lo y el mundo pensar� que usted es un idiota.

Si no puedes convencerlos, conf�ndelos.

El amor eterno dura tres meses.

No te metas en el mundo de las drogas… somos muchos y hay muy poca.

Todo tiempo pasado fue anterior.

El que nace pobre y feo tiene grandes posibilidades de que al crecer se le desarrollen ambas condiciones.

Toda cuesti�n tiene dos puntos de vista: el equivocado y el nuestro.

Soy vegetariano, por eso fumo marihuana.

La esclavitud no se aboli�, se cambi� a ocho horas diarias.

Si la monta�a viene hacia ti… �Corre: es un derrumbe!

Colabore con la polic�a: p�guese s�lo.

La psiquiatr�a/psicolog�a es el �nico negocio donde el cliente nunca tiene la raz�n.

Un trailero iba escuchando la radio en su trailer, cuando escucha: “Interrumpimos este programa para darles una noticia muy importante. Se han visto seres extraterrestres sobrevolando esta zona. A continuaci�n les damos sus caracter�sticas: son chaparros, van arrastrando las manos en el suelo, tienen las rodillas pegadas al pecho, tienen los ojos saltones y hablan muy lento.”

El trailero sigue conduciendo hasta que ve algo a un lado del camino, que se parece a la descripci�n que acaba de oir y se detiene, se baja y empieza a hablar muy lentamente, “Hola soy trailero y estoy manejando.”

Entonces el otro le contesta, tambi�n muy lentamente, “Hola, soy Juanito y estoy cagando.”

1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.

2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.

3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!

5. I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been
giving me lately!

6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
“CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.”

7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?

8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?

9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?

10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.

En la sala de espera de la maternidad, un j�ven recibe la noticia de que acaba de ser padre y cae al suelo redondo.

Mientras la enfermera que le ha informado le atiende, sale el doctor con el reci�n nacido en brazos y, sorprendido al ver al joven desmayado le pregunta a la enfermera:

“�Qu� ha sucedido?”

“�Cre� que me preguntaba la hora y le dije SEIS!”

Cada a�o, un Rab� Jud�o, despu�s de la Semana Santa se presentaba ante el Papa y le entregaba un sobre sellado viej�simo y amarillo. El Papa lo cog�a, lo ve�a y se lo entregaba de nuevo al Rab�. Esto hab�a tenido lugar por casi 2,000 a�os.

Pero sucedi� que un d�a hab�a sido ordenado un Papa nuevo, y el Rab� encargado de venir desde Israel a presentar el sobre, tambi�n era nuevo. As� que al tomar lugar el acto dijo el Papa:

“�Qu� clase de ceremonia es �sta?, tengo entendido que ha sido observada por casi 2,000 a�os, y no s� su significado.”

“�Ni yo! Es nuestra costumbre enviar a alguien cada a�o por estas fechas con este sobre al Vaticano.”

“Abramos ese viejo sobre a ver que contiene.”

El Rab� lo abre, lo lee y exclama: “�Incre�ble! �es el cobro por los v�veres consumidos en la �ltima Cena!”

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.

They finally get her into the president’s office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.

The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets”.

The president replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square”. “Ha!” says the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet”.

The old lady says, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady says “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?”

“Sure” says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president’s balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.

The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. “Well, OK” says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure”.

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , “What is wrong with your lawyer?”

She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hands!”

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.