Category: other

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.”Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really be ticked if it’s not ready on time.”When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.”Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.”You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!”

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. “But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, “Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have any children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.
“No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after!”

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench one day. A flasher walked up and showed
them his stuff.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun’s arm was too short.

Un hombre que viv�a en un condominio tuvo muchos problemas, ya que �ste ten�a un perro y la due�a del lugar una gata. La se�ora le dijo que si el perro le hac�a algo a su mascota lo echar�a de su apartamento. El trato que hicieron fue que el perro saldr�a en la ma�ana, y en la noche se quedar�a encerrado para que la gata pudiera salir sin peligro alguno.

Una noche, el tipo hizo una fiesta y, sin darse cuenta, el can se escap� entre los invitados. De repente, el animal apareci� con la gata muerta y sucia entre sus fauces. El hombre casi se muere del susto, y de inmediato solicito la ayuda de sus amigos, y entre todos ba�aron a la gata, le lavaron el lazo, lo plancharon y la perfumaron, para posteriormente colocarla frente a la puerta de la due�a.

Apenado, el individuo evad�a todos los d�as a la se�ora, hasta que un d�a ya no pudo y ella le cont�:

“Sucedi� algo muy raro. Se muri� mi gata y la enterr�, pero… �A la ma�ana siguiente apareci� completamente limpia enfrente de mi casa!”

Jaimito estaba en el sal�n de clase con sus compa�eros. Como la profesora no llegaba, todos los alumnos comenzaron a hacer alboroto. Cuando lleg� la profesora vio el desorden que hab�a y comenz� a interrogar a los ni�os.

“Juanita, �Qu� haz hecho t�?”

“Yo dibuj� en la pizarra.”

“Pedrito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� mi pupitre contra el suelo.”

“Jaimito, y t�, �Qu� hiciste?”

“Yo tir� serpentina por la ventana.”

“Caramba, aprendan de Jaimito que no es un malcriado como ustedes.”

Pero al pasar unos minutos, tocan la puerta de la clase y entra una ni�a toda golpeada. La profesora le pregunta:

“�Qui�n eres?”

“Yo me llamo Serpentina.”

En una pelea de boxeo, el comentarista presenta a los rivales:

“En esta esquina, pesando 300 lbs; con 55 peleas, 51 muertos, 3 heridos y 1 en cuidados intensivos: Kid Asesino”.

La multitud aplaude como loca.

“Y en esta otra esquina… Alguien agarre a ese boxeador… �Ag�rrenlo, ag�rrenlo!”

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God,there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”.God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.”St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!””Who, the New Yorkers?”.”No, the Pearly Gates.”

Iba un �rabe montado en su camello, cruzando el desierto del Sahara cuando de pronto el camello se para y deja de caminar, el �rabe no sab�a por qu� se hab�a detenido y lo empez� a jalar. En eso se encuentra con otro �rabe y le cuenta su problema.

El otro �rabe le describe una posible soluci�n, el due�o del camello la acepta y empiezan a trabajar.

Hacen dos montones de tierra, un poco separados y altos, suben al camello y el �rabe se coloca debajo de los montones de arenay con dos garrafas llenas de agua le pega al camello en los kiwis y el camello sale corriendo.

El due�o del camello le pregunta al �rabe que como va a alcanzar a su camello, a lo que el �rabe le respondi�:

“S�base a los montones de arena”.

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.”YOU’RE DRUNK!” exclaimed the police officer.”Thank God for that!” said the drunk, “I thought the steering had gone.”

Estaba una se�ora con bigotes sentada a fuera de su casa, cuando de pronto pasa Pepito y se le queda viendo fijamente y sin avanzar.

Entonces la se�ora se molesta y le dice: “�Qu� nunca hab�as visto una mujer con bigotes?”

Y Pepito le contesta:

“�Gratis, no!”

Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time.

Boss wants to know how.

Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, “want a chacolate?”

They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!”

“You’re right, want to buy a toothbrush?”

When asked if he had sexual relations with monica lewinsky, he said no. then
he was asked quote, “what is the definition of sex?”
for his answer, he rebuttled, “well that depends on what the defintion of “is”
is”!!!!!