Category: other

how do you get a 80 year old to say fuck?
have another 80 year old yell bingo.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.” The doctor reassured her.

“A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls.”

El sr. Soto fue a la consulta del doctor a recoger los resultados de los an�lisis de su mujer, y la recepcionista le dice:

“Lo siento much�simo, sr. soto, pero hemos cometido un lamentable error y tenemos un grave problema. Cuando enviamos las muestras de su mujer al laboratorio para proceder a los an�lisis se enviaron junto a las muestras de otra se�ora, con el mismo apellido de la suya, de tal manera que ahora no estamos seguros de cuales son los resultados de su mujer. Estamos desolados.”

“�Pero que quiere usted decirme?”

“�Bien, escuche, una se�ora dio positivo en el test de alzheimer y la otra dio positivo en el test de sida, pero no sabemos cual de ellas es su mujer…”

“�Es terrible! �y que se supone que haga yo ahora?”

“Abandone a su mujer en medio de la ciudad y si ella consigue volver a la casa, entonces… �ni se le ocurra tocarla!”

Q: How do you make a proud black woman pick cotton?

A: Light the string on her tampon on fire.

Submitted By: JNote: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other – a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he’d get some more
hand outs.

“Get this guy,” laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
“Trying to teach us how to do business!”

El sult�n de Brunei decidi� hacer una cumbre mundial de presidentes.

Con la plata que se carga mand� hacer una piscina m�gica que complac�a los deseos. Llegaron los presidentes y jefes de estado y cuando ten�an mucho rato de estar hablando dijo Fox (M�xico): “Voy a nadar a la piscina”, se subi� al trampol�n y cuando iba en el aire dijo: “tequila”, el agua se convirti� en tequila y la pas� muy bien.

Lo mismo hizo Putin, se subi� al trampol�n y dijo “vodka”.

Hirohito dijo “sake”.

Despu�s de mucho rato el presidente Bush decide darse tambi�n un gustazo y camina hacia la piscina, se sube al trampol�n que estaba ya muy mojado y antes de tirarse se resbala y dice: “�Shiiiit!”

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.

Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.

“No problem!” he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.

“Not bad, young fella!” Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.

Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.

Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.

The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.

Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.

Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!

“Hooray!!! A hole in one!!!” Cried the old man.

Then Jesus steps up and says, “Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two
new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading
them around
said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the
fireplace? He is our
oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never
forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting
story.

“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing
a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found
a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and
fell asleep.

I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise
in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever
saw jumped
out of the bushes at me like this,
ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!.

I tell you, I just shit in my pants.”

The young men looked
astonished and one
of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants
too if a lion
jumped out at me.”

The old man shook his head and said,
“No, no, not then,
just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

The Koala eats the sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar.

The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, “Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you’re going!?”

The Koala replies, “Hey, I’m a Koala. Look it up.”

The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala:

The dictionary said “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A lady walks into the Gynecologist office and says, “I have a problem. I have extremely big pussy lips. I’d like to get an operation but don�t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about my problem.”

The doctor agrees and gives her the operation.

The next day while sitting in the recovery room, she gets three roses delivered.

She runs to her doctor and says, “Doctor I thought I told you not to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?”

The doctor replies, “The first one is from me because I felt sorry about your problem. The second is from the nurse who had the same problem you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit thanking you for his new ears!”

Submitted by Glaci
Editted by Blueindiansquaw

Unos viejitos despu�s de pasar una noche placentera se re�nen en el comedor y el viejito le dice: “viejita, viejita… Te cuento que anoche sucedi� un milagro.”

La viejta responde, “�Qu� milagro?”

“Ayer en la madrugada me despert�, fui al ba�o y se prendi� la luz, hice mis necesidades, sal� del ba�o, cerr� la puerta y se apag� la luz. M�s tarde regres� al ba�o, abr� la puerta y se prendi� la luz, hice mis necesidades, cerr� la puerta y se apag� la luz…”

La viejita le responde, “Fuera, viejo cojudo. Otra vez te cagaste en el refrigerador.”