Category: other

El Inspector General de Salud est� haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compa��a del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atenci�n: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de �l. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qu� est� pasando all�:

“Lo que pasa es que el loco que est� acostado dice que es el peri�dico y los dem�s lo est�n leyendo.”

“Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos ma�ana la inspecci�n.”

Al otro d�a, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisi�n, el Inspector ve que el loco-peri�dico del d�a anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.

“�Y ahora qu� est� pasando?”, le pregunt� intrigado al encargado.

“Que como es el peri�dico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.”

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There’s a 12-month waiting list.

there are three guys golfing a pope a biship and a cardinal and the pope and the bishup get hole in ones 2 times and the cardinal says oh shit and the pope says if the cardinal says that again he will get god to strike him down so the cardinal says it again and the pope says god strike him down and god throw a lightning bolt at the pope by acadent and god says oh shit

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn’t you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going BOY?!?”

Bob thought for a second and asked, “Uhhh, over 55?”

“93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!”

“But if you already knew,” replied Bob, “Why did you ask me?”

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, “That’s speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why,… I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”

Bob recanted, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well paying job!”

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?”

“I’m an asshole stretcher!!!” replied Bob.

“What you say, BOY?!?” asked the patrolman.

“I’m an asshole stretcher!!!”

Of course the cop asked, “What does an asshole stretcher do?”

Bob explained, ” People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it’s six feet across.”

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?”

Bob nonchalantly commented, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her–how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair.But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.”I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,”Why not THIRTY times in a row?”Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

A woman gets out of the shower, and the doorbell goes, her husband yells to her to get the door, so she hurrys down the stairs with just a towel on.
When the women opens the door to find her next door neighbour dave at the door, hes shocked to see her in just a towel and says “if you drop your towel i will give you five hundred pounds” the woman is confused but evenutally says yes and she drops her towel and he gives her the money.
She closes the door and runs up to her husband to tell him, he asks “who was that” she replies ” dave from next door” the husband then says ” good, did he give you that five hundred pounds, that he owed me”

Un escritor lleg� a un pueblo situado en medio de la nada, porque se le ocurri� que de all� podr�a sacar un nuevo libro, basado en las an�cdotas que pudieran tener sus pobladores.

Con esa idea, fue a buscar al hombre m�s viejo del pueblo y al encontrarlo le explica:

“Mire, ando recopilando datos para escribir un libro. �No tendr� alguna historia c�mica y ligera que pudiera yo transmitirle al mundo? �Algo que haya usted vivido en este pueblo y que recuerde con frecuencia?

“Ah s�, una vez se perdi� la esposa del Chuy, ese que vive ah� tras lomita. Pues se lleg� la noche y que no aparece la se�ora. As� que nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo y nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados varios d�as, pues que la encontramos y como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, pues que uno por uno le hacemos el amor a la esposa del Chuy”.

El escritor se asombra del morbo con que el anciano recuerda las cosas y se asusta, piensa que no puede contar eso que sucedi�.

“Uy, �no tendr� algo m�s c�mico, algo que le haga re�r a usted y a todos los del pueblo? No s�, tal vez algo inusual, qu� s� yo”.

“Pues s�, una vez, se perdi� una chiva del Luis. Que se llega la noche y no recala el animal. Nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo, nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados los d�as la encontramos y, como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, uno por uno se apa�� a la chivita”.

El viejo degenerado estalla en risas. El escritor piensa que el viejo est� loco y que ser�a mejor cambiar el car�cter del tema, para que ya no contara esas cosas.

“�Y no tendr� otra historia? No s�, algo m�s dram�tico y triste que haya vivido. Algo que pueda conmover a los dem�s y que pueda yo libremente contar en mi libro”.

El viejo mira al suelo y se le nubla la vista. Con un nudo en la garganta y las l�grimas rodando por sus mejillas declara:

“Pues, una vez me perd� yo…”

He aqu� la respuesta a la pregunta: �Cu�nto son 2+2?, seg�n la profesi�n.

Ingeniero: 3.999989.

F�sico: 4.0004 +/- 0.0006.

Matem�tico: Espere, s�lo unos minutos m�s. Ya he probado que la soluci�n existe y es �nica, ahora la estoy acotando.

Fil�sofo : �Qu� quiere decir cuando dice 2+2?

Actuario: Defina las caracter�sticas de la operaci�n + y le responder�.

Contador: (Cerrando puertas y ventanas y preguntando en voz baja) �Cu�nto quiere que sea el resultado?

George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

After the show, Oprah said, “George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex.

But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”

She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

George says, “Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet.

But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”

Oprah says,”Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?”

George replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet.”

Tres ratones se encuentran y empiezan a contarse sus aventuras:

“Yo, cuando me aburro, busco un cepo, me meto debajo, cojo el queso y me lo como sin despeinarme.”

El segundo dice:

“Eso no es nada, yo cuando tengo hambre cojo una bolsa de matarratas y me la como mientras me bebo una cerveza y veo una pel�cula… y no me pasa nada!”

El otro dice:

“Ten�is raz�n, sois muy arriesgados. Siento no poder quedarme m�s pero es que tengo que ir a casa a follarme al gato.”

Why do we have a pair of pants, and a pair of underware but not a pair of bras?

Why do all women put on mascara with their eyes open?

one day gomber pyle took his girlfriend to the movies and while they’re waiting for the movie to start he says honey can i put my arms around you and she says sure and he did so a couple minutes later he says dear can i kiss you passiontly and she says why not so they kiss for about 3 minutes straight so about 5 minutes later he says baby can i blow in you ear and she says o.k. so he does then he says baby can i put my finger in your belly button and she says o.k. i guess so around that time the lights go out and the movie starts and all of a sudden she screams and yells and says you bastard that ain’t my belly button and he says surprise surprise that ain’t my finger either.