Yours Fun Portal !
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
How many men does it take to fix a woman’s watch?
None. She can use the clock on the oven.
What’s the matter if a woman is in the living room?
The leash from the kitchen is too long.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
If gas were brains you wouldn’t be able to power a toy car around a fly.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself ‘Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.’ There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: ‘No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.’ So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God’s voice booms out again: ‘Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.’
There is a new virus going around, called ‘work’. If you receive any sort of ‘work’ at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open ‘work’ or even look at ‘work’ have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter ‘work’ via email or are faced with any ‘work’ at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words ‘Sorry…I’m off to the pub’. The ‘work’ should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive ‘work’ in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the ‘work’ to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that ‘work’ will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the ‘work’ virus has already corrupted your life.
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence.”
So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.”
The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” he asks the second guy.
He says, “Liver alone cheese mine.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend
15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for
the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he
wants. The Italian says, “I’d like to take a woman with me.”
The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and
heads off to solitary. The Jew says, “I’d like to take a
telephone with me.” The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with
his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and
furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then
announces, “I’d like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with
me.” The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the Italian’s cell, and out comes the
Italian with his wife and 15 children: “It wasn’t so bad….”
The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire,
having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then
comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, “Anybody got a
match?”
Una hermosa mujer joven sale de la ducha, se envuelve en una toalla y le avisa a su marido que ya puede utilizar la ducha. Cuando �l entra en la ducha suena el timbre de la puerta. La esposa le dice que ella abre, y baja a abrir la puerta envuelta en la toalla.
Cuando abre la puerta se encuentra a su vecino Bill, quien se queda boquiabierto ante la visi�n que se le ofrece. Entonces, �l saca dos billetes nuevecitos de 100 d�lares y le dice a ella que son suyos si deja caer la toalla hasta la cintura.
Ella piensa, “�por qu� no?”, de modo que deja caer la toalla y coge el dinero. Bill jadea ante lo que ve; saca prontamente otros doscientos d�lares y se los ofrece por dejar caer la toalla completamente. La mujer piensa que ya hab�a llegado bastante lejos, as� que no importaba, y deja caer la toalla al suelo. Bill la contempla un momento, le da las gracias y se va.
Cuando ella sube de nuevo, su marido que acababa de ducharse, le pregunta que qui�n hab�a llamado a la puerta. Ella contesta: “era simplemente Bill”.
“�Y ha tra�do los 400 d�lares que me debe?”, pregunta el marido.
Some nuns are playing darts when it is sister maries turn.She throws 1 dart and get a triple 20;60.She throws a second a gets a single 20;80.She throws her last dart.
it hits a metal bar,bounces back and hits her in the forehead.All this resulting in her falling down,motionless.Just the commentator shouts,1 nun dead and 80!
He said…Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what?
He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to
put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a
fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left
you the money.
He said…This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!
She said…No problem, I’ll get you some that is.
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said…It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.
He said…Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
He said…If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house,
we could fire the maid as well.
She said…Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me
properly we could do without the gardener as well.
He said…You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs,
have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said…Why do you women always try to impress us with your
looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a
moron than he is blind.
He said…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, you know.
El Inspector General de Salud est� haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compa��a del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atenci�n: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de �l. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qu� est� pasando all�:
“Lo que pasa es que el loco que est� acostado dice que es el peri�dico y los dem�s lo est�n leyendo.”
“Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos ma�ana la inspecci�n.”
Al otro d�a, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisi�n, el Inspector ve que el loco-peri�dico del d�a anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.
“�Y ahora qu� est� pasando?”, le pregunt� intrigado al encargado.
“Que como es el peri�dico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.”
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There’s a 12-month waiting list.