Category: other

Next time a friend ask for help, tell him to go to www.canuhelpme.us

Why aren’t Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

Because everytime they go into the corner, they open up a convenience store.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw

Fitness Philosophy – JokesGalore Style!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don’t jog…it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Un tipo se encontraba sin mujer y, por consiguiente, no ten�a en donde meterlo. En eso, ve a un borracho durmiendo en la calle con los pantalones abajo y con el culo al aire. El sujeto no lo pens� dos veces y, caliente como estaba, le meti� la puntita hasta que acab�, dej�ndole luego $100 en el bolsillo. Cuando el borracho se levanta y se encuentra el dinero, se dirige inmediatamente a la botiller�a y pide una botella de vodka.

Al d�a siguiente, el calenturiento hace lo mismo y le deja $500. El borrach�n se levanta y va directamente a comprarse una botella de g�isqui. Duerme la mona nuevamente, y el cachondo se lo mete todo, hasta el fondo, y le deja $1000. El beodo se dirige a la botiller�a; cuando el due�o lo ve, le pregunta:

“�G�isqui?”

“�No, porque con el g�isqui me duele mucho el culo!”

MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASHValles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that ‘the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft’.The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, ‘bouncing’ several times before coming to a stop, ‘deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases’. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force’s explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the ‘other-worldly’ nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy’s statements as evidence of ‘an obvious government cover-up’, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.” The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

“Joseph, Joseph,”sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”

*Ting-a-ling*

Era una vez una mujer que no ten�a tetas y viv�a muy atribulada por eso. Una vez fue donde un mago de la provincia para ver qu� pod�a hacer para que las tetas le crecieran. El mago le dijo que fuera donde el Rey y le preguntara si se quer�a casar con ella. Cada vez que le dijera que NO le iban a crecer dos pulgaditas.

Ese mismo d�a fue donde el Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

A lo que el Rey respondi�: “No.”

Inmediatamente �plum! dos pulgaditas. Al otro d�a fue donde el mismo Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

“No.”

�Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro d�a fue donde el mismo Rey y le pregunt�:

“�Rey! �Usted se quiere casar conmigo?”

“No.”

�Plum! dos pulgaditas adicionales. Al otro d�a se levanta la se�ora y dice:

“Bueno, quiero dos pulgaditas adicionales.”

As� que va donde el mismo Rey y le repite su pregunta. El Rey responde:

“�Mire, carajo! �No, no, no y mil veces NO!”

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! “Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?” yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, I do,” answered the woman.

“Then lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor. “We’re all out of the bottled stuff. You’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”

A young executive leaving the office one evening noticed his boss standing in
front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Seeing a good opportunity
to do some brown-nosing, he asks, “Can I help you with something before I leave,
Sir?”
“Listen,” said the boss, “this is important and my assistant has already
left the office. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young man, certain he was earning some brownie points.
The young executive turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
start button.
“Thank you,” said the boss, unaware that his paper had disappeared into the
paper shredder. “I need two copies of that.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and an Alabama redneck were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, ” Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump
off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The Alabama redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I
get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

Next day – The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees a
burrito and jumps too. The Alabama redneck opens his lunch, sees the
bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral – The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says ” I could have given him two
tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the Alabama redneck’s wife. “Hey,
don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch!”

En una maternidad hay un tipo del Congo, un sueco y un argentino. Sale la enfermera y dice:

“Tenemos un problema. Se nos confundieron los bebes y ahora no sabemos cual bebe es cual. Tenemos 2 blancos y uno negro.”

Los tres nuevos papas deciden sacar a la suerte para ver quien escoge a su bebe primero, y gana el sueco. El sueco entra a la maternidad, sale con el bebe negro y el del Congo le dice: “Mire bwana, el bebe es negro, yo soy negro, mi esposa es negra, as� que este bebe es m�o. Agarre uno de los blancos.”

“�Est� loco? �Y si me toca el argentino?”