Category: light bulbs

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, they *like* it in the dark.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O’Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O’Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.

Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness…

Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won’t work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.

How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it’s beyond the capability of a woman.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?A: None: “We’ll fix it in software.”

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: They don’t do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it’s still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can’t see.