Category: gender

The Truth about Relationships – a man’s view

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your
farts in until she leaves the room; she’s a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell
her so; you’re so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized
by Loving; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex
is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a
great ass.

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1. Addictions

Before: You tell her you don’t mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day
with your mates, and that you’ve taken recreational drugs but those days are
well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash
and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to
accept that you’re just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to
reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting
on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it’s hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and
interesting views about politics, and her unemployed ‘girl’- friend Amanda is
a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After: Aunty Jane is a loudmouthed, pain-in-the-ass fascist with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn’t
mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck
to impress, using all your tricks — your renowned tit grope, marathon oral
sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Sex four times a day is not
uncommon.

After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have
sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her
life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with
interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn’t
involve you. What’s more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to
concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, “Are
you listening to me?” becomes an evening mantra.

6. Overall evaluation

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive,
loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her
previous relationships ….. but she suspects that you’re full of shit.

After: She knows you’re full of shit!

Mrs. Jones frantically called her doctor, Dr. Smith, and asked, “Doctor, did I happen to leave my panties in your examining room when I was there earlier today?”

Dr. Smith replied, “No. We found no panties here.”

Mrs. Jones answered, “O.K., I must have left them at the dentist’s.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?

Her husband wakes up.

Man to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God to Man: “So you would love her.”
“But God”, Man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God replies: “So she would love you.”

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough
draft before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friends.
Dogs are man’s best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all
Married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms
that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women’s problems can be traced to the
male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need
dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they’re all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5
minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months
or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second
date?
Slow.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.

The mermaid says, “Done!”

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.”

And the mermaid replies, “Done!”

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintiple my I.Q.”

The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.

The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”

And with that, he became a woman!

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a faze every 28 days

Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house

I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man

“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” a man says.

“My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.”

“So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.”

“I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.

“You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.”

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
—————————————-

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men’s rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra – Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra – Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra – Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra – Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra – Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra – Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra – Need I say more?

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

They ask to see the baby, but the mother keeps saying, “Not yet.”

Finally, a cousin asks, “When can we see the baby?”

“When it cries,” says the elderly mother.

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” the cousin asks impatiently.

“Because I’ve forgotten where I’ve put it.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

what did elton john say? Eminem melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid!” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s
18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s
98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

…..I think not.