Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Know
this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching
your own life..
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him, provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One
leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy
-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking
whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”
9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
11. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.