A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Category: gender
Too Much Sex
“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” a man says. “My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.””So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.”Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.””I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.”You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.”
Black or white
one time there was this zebra, who got hit by a bus and went to heaven. the gatekeeper told him he could ask god one question and then roam heaven freely. so the zebra goes in the pearly gates and asks God Am I a white zerbra or am i a black zebra?
God replies, “your a white zebra”
The zebra asks how do you know?
God replies, “if you were a black zebra you would have asks Is i a white zebra or a black zebra? instead you ask am i a white zebra or a black zebra?”
A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
Q. What’s the difference between getting a…
Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Why Beer is Better than Women
Why Beer is Better than Women
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN’T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON’T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN’T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN’T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
Makeup and Perfume
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which oversimplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes.
…or is it because they’re ugly and they smell?
Q. What’s the definition of a male chauvinist…
Q. What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.
Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Going to the Bar…NOT!!!
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, “Honey, I’ll be right back…” “Where are you going coochi cooh…?” asks his wife. “I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.” replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, “You want a beer my love…?” Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: “Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass.” He didn’t get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, “You want a frozen glass puppy face…?” She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, “Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer’s de devours that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hoer’s de devours poochi pooh..?” She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer’s de devours … chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. “But sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that…” replies the husband in desparation. “You want dirty words cutie pie…? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOER’S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!
Little Old Lady
A little old lady walked up to the cashier and placed a bag of cat food on the check out counter. The cashier said, I’m sorry but I can’t sell you that cat food. Why not? asked the little old lady. The cashier replided.. we have had complants that some senior citizens who don’t have very much money are buying pet food and eating eat, and it’s not healthy for them. If you can prove to me that you own a cat, then I can sell you the cat food.
The little old lady left the store and returned about an hour later with her cat, purchased the cat food and went home.
About a week later she tried to buy a 50 pound bag of dog food and the cashier said, mam, we went thru this before, show me that you own a dog and then I can sell you the dog food. The little old left and in an hour she returned with her dog and purchased the dog food.
A couple of weeks passed by, the little old lady walked into the store with a small box in her hands, walked up to the same cashier smiled and told her to stick her finger into the hole in the box. The cashier replied…I’m not sticking my finger in that box, there could be a snake in there and I could get bit. Oh no, replied the little old lady, I would’nt do anything to hurt you. Just to humor the lady the cashier stuck her finger into the hole and when she pulled it out the little old lady told her to smell it. The cashier smelled her finger, her nose turned up and she said Damn, that smells just like shit. The little old smiled and said, That’s exactly what it is… Now, can I purchase 4 rolls of toilet paper?
Building a bridge
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.
The genie says, “For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!”
The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I’m scared of flying and tend to get seasick.”
The genie replies, “My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I’m sorry, but it just can’t be done. Please choose another wish!”
The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want to be able to understand women.”
The genie pauses for a moment and says –
“So, this bridge you want…two lanes or four?”