Category: gender

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”

one time there was this zebra, who got hit by a bus and went to heaven. the gatekeeper told him he could ask god one question and then roam heaven freely. so the zebra goes in the pearly gates and asks God Am I a white zerbra or am i a black zebra?

God replies, “your a white zebra”

The zebra asks how do you know?

God replies, “if you were a black zebra you would have asks Is i a white zebra or a black zebra? instead you ask am i a white zebra or a black zebra?”

“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” a man says. “My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.””So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.”Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.””I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.”You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.”

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.

2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.

3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.

4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.

5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.

6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.

7. A BEER DOESN’T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.

8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.

9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.

11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.

12. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.

13. A BEER WON’T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.

14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.

15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.

16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.

17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.

19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.

20. BEER DOESN’T DEMAND EQUALITY.

21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.

22. A BEER DOESN’T CARE WHEN YOU COME.

23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.

24. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.

25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which oversimplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes.

…or is it because they’re ugly and they smell?

Q. What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, “Honey, I’ll be right back…” “Where are you going coochi cooh…?” asks his wife. “I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.” replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, “You want a beer my love…?” Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: “Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass.” He didn’t get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, “You want a frozen glass puppy face…?” She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, “Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer’s de devours that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hoer’s de devours poochi pooh..?” She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer’s de devours … chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. “But sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that…” replies the husband in desparation. “You want dirty words cutie pie…? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOER’S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST
THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the
corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I’ve ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched
hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one
more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

THE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
——————————
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?” Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.

Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay
home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.

Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.

Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’
Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.

Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.

The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.

Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed
weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.

The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how,
but–“
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus.”

Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.

Mr. Prez
Let’s do it in the Oval Office. Let’s do it in the war room
Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in
briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch
Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.
Think of the book rights and speaking fees
I’ll never have to do one of those
American Express commercials “Who Am I”
Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges