Category: gender

100 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3) You know stuff about tanks.

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5) Monday Night Football.

6) You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8) You can open all your own jars.

9) Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained
weight.

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

11) When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13) All your orgasms are real.

14) A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15) Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ’em into
the boards).

16) You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.

17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19) Your last name stays put.

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21) When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.

22) You can kill your own food.

23) The garage is all yours.

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.

32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34) You don’t have to shave below your neck.

35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36) You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37) If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

44) Flowers fix everything.

45) You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50) You can say anything (“Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry
about what people will think.

51) Foreplay is optional.

52) Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55) You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s
coming by.

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58) You don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60) The world is your urinal.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s
about to leave you.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64) One mood, all the time

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.

66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one’s just too skeevy.

67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

69) Same work…more pay!

70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.

72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental:$75.

73) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78) People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79) ESPN’s SportsCenter.

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.

81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell
your other friends you’ve changed.

86) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw
it.”

88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.

89) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in
the mood.

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93) If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.

94) New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96) You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and
anniversaries.

97) Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice
anything different?”

99) Baywatch

100) There’s always a game on somewhere.

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, “What on earth are you doing?!?!!”

The wife turned to the other man and replied, “See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.”

Why are some men uncircumcised?

The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

How do you know when you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unties you.

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots.’ Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, ‘I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’ This is known as the ‘I Hate You, I Love You’ drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts’ car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend’s/father’s heads.

Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn’t really matter.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

Time:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Friends:
Women on a ‘girls’ night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boys’ night out’ say about 20 words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the chips’ or ‘Got am more beer?’

Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

To men named Jon and Brian lived in Arizona. They both liked to drink. So, one day they were at work ( Airplane Machanics) and it was a rainy day. There was nothing to do so Jon said, “I wish we had something to drink. Brian told Jon that he had heard of somebody drinking Airplane Fuel and getting a real buzz. So they tried the Jet juice. The next morning, they both woke up feeling great, no hangover or anything. Then Jon phoned Brian.

Jon said, “How do you feel?”

Brian said, “Great no hangover or anything, we should try it more often”

Jon said, ” Yeah, well, have you tried farting.

Brian said ” No Why?”

Jon said ” Don’t I’m in Pheonix!”

Women’s Snappy Comebacks:

Man: =”Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: =”Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: = “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: = “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: = “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: = “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: = “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: = “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: = “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: = “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: = “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man: = “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: = “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: = “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: = “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: = “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: = “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: = “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Q. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
A. Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.

1. No we can’t be friends, I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn’t make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You’ve got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won’t be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your f*cking friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonite.

9. I’d rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to fuck it.

Men should ace this test … women may have a little difficulty.

There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette” that MUST be followed. ===============================================

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men’s room. An X above the number will indicate “in use.”

(Sample):

~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~

(Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 ~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~ are occupied.)

————————-

You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck!

1.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 It’s the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

===============================================

2.) ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinal 1 occupied.)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

===============================================

3.) ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (empty)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: __

Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, “I don’t want anyone next to me.”

===============================================

4.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ (2, 4 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: 1 You’re stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

===============================================

5.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (2, 5 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: __

Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 “couples” you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn’t want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

===============================================

6.) ~~ x ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)

~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~

Your choice: ___

Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals “open up” a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god’s sake! … use a doored stall. ===============================================

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

— NO Talking, unless it’s a good friend… but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain’t no clubhouse.

— I don’t think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another’s elbow is of the highest offense.

— NO Singing. Period.

— Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only…”Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again”.

A man and his wife are spending the evening at their local boozer. After having consumed rather a lot of alcohol the man starts boasting of his intelect and the most fantastic business ideas that he thinks of when having sex, to which his wife retorts, “It is of no wonder you can come up with these ideas when you’re plugged into a bloody genius.

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.