Category: gender

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. “Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: “SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!”

Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company.

Great Female Comebacks

Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?” Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “Your place or mine?” Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman: “It’s in the phone book.” Man: “But I don’t know your name.” Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?” Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.” Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.” Woman: “Then why aren’t you leaving me alone?”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.” Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy: Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.” Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.” Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

There are nine very important men in a woman’s life. They are:

Her Doctor; he says, “Take your clothes off.”
Her Dentist; he says, “Open wide.”
Her Veterinarian; he says, “And how is your little pussy doing today?”
Her Gardener; he says, “Do you want me to mulch your bush?”
Her Hairdresser; he says, “Do you want it teased or blown?”
Her Interior Decorator; he says, “You’ll like it once it’s in.”
Her Remodeler; he says, “It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.”
Her Milkman; he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”
Her Banker; he says, “If you take it out, you’ll lose interest.”

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins ……..only if,�he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years …eventually earning the right to be called Mother.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.�

The psychiatrist asked him lots of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problem.� Finally he asked. ” Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“And how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt he was getting somewhere. “That’s very interesting, we must look into this further.”

“Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That is somewhat unusual. How and why only once?”

“She was watching us through the window!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Uncle Max was 89 years old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.

I told him, “You can’t marry a 24 year old girl.”

He said, “Why not?”

I said, “If you marry a 24 year old girl, you’ll have to have sex with her and that could be fatal!”

He thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well if she dies, she dies!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. We’re not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don’t treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around.

6. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.

10. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, ‘NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think you’re always right, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done.

18. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.

IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck

6-10 people: your crush will notice you

10-15 people: your crush will kiss you

15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.

She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, there he is standing right next to her.

“Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price.”

Editted by Curtis

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up – put it down.3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.4. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.5. Get rid of your cat.6. Sunday = Sports.7. Anything you wear is fine – really.8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.9. You have too many shoes.10. Crying is blackmail.11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.14. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.18. If you don’t dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.23. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.24. You have enough clothes.25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex.

How are men like diplomas?

You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don’t know what to do with it.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup,
the doctor pulled the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is
suffering from a very severe illness, combined with horrible stress. He will
surely die if you don’t do the following:

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in
a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had
a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse.

“And most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and
satisfy his every whim. If you do this for the next 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“Well, He said you’re going to die,” she replied.