Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
– Mae West

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
– Mae West

I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.
– Mae West

It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.
– Mae West

Men become old, but they never become good.
– Oscar Wilde

A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Men…give them an inch…and they add it to their own.

I called my last boyfriend “Miller Lite”; tasted good, but wasn’t very filling.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can’t they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Making a Women

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn’t know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor.

At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says “Make a woman out of me”.

He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies – “Alright, iron that.”

Not the Sexiest Man Alive

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs You’re Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, “Is it Halloween already?”

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, “Siskel and ___”

8. The best term to describe you is “super hairy”.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, “Oh God, no”.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you’re seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you “Not on the first date”.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

10 things about PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, ‘How’s my driving? Call 1 800 ****”**.’

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Golf

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Tom’s wife Gladys.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“You’re seventy five years old, Tom!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Bob along?”

“But he’s eighty five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Tom.

“Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Gladys pointed out.

The next day Tom teed off with Bob looking on. Tom swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Did you see where it went?” asked Tom.

“Yup,” Bob answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Tom, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

My theory on why men are stupider than women

My Theory on why men are stupider than women
Men have large heads(upper). The upper head has the following:95%ego,2.5%how to avoid cops, 2.5% intellect.
A man’s lower head has the potential to become large, but mainly stays small. The lower head has the following:50%knowledge of all girls starring in porn magazines,50%knowledge of all girls starring in porn movies.

Ming the Chinaman

Fred goes to work as a lumberjack in a remote town about 500 miles north of Montreal.

The first night in town, he checks out the local bar, and asks the bartender where all the women hang out.

“Women?” says the bartender, “there aren’t any women for 300 miles around here!”

He tells Fred that the only relief to be found is Ming the Chinaman.

Fred says firmly, “No way, I don’t go for that shit!”

Fred walks out and goes to work up in the woods for a couple of months.

The next time he is in town for supplies, he is pretty horny and goes to see the bartender again.

He asks, “Are you sure there aren�t any women in town?”

The bartender replies, “Look, I already told you there were no women here, and if you want something, it’ll have to be Ming the Chinaman!”

Fred’s gets frustrated and says, “Now YOU look, I already told you I don’t go for that kind of shit!”

Fred goes back up into the woods for another 6 months.

On his next trip to town, he’s so horny, he can hardly walk.

He goes back to the bartender, hat in hand, and says, “O.K., I guess if there’s absolutely no chance of getting a woman, I’ll have to take Ming the Chinaman. Can you set it up for me?”

The bartender motions to two big guys who walk over to where Ming is sitting and pick him up.

Ming starts going fucking crazy, screaming, kicking, and cussing.

Fred asks, “What’s his problem?!”

The bartender replies, “Oh, Ming the Chinaman don’t go for that shit either!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis