It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. “Only twenty years of normal sex life?” but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?” The donkey said yes he could.This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Category: gender
Guaranteed to Get You Slapped !!!
1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
love?
The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole
week..!]
8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator..
10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.
11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she’s given her last blow job.
16. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.
17. What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing
off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Hot Mamma
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.'”
Submitted by Phil
A redhead & a blonde
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet.”
So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
Submitted by Danalockett
Edited by yisman and calamjo
Genie In A Bottle
Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.
After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the world’s smartest man.”
“Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein�s Theory of Relativity to his friend.
The second man thinks for a moment, then says, “I want to be smarter than him!”
“Done,” says the genie, and turns him into a woman!
Men Bashing
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.
Dennis Miller’s Advice to Women
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we’re sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in ‘Boy on a Dolphin’ combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don’t want to feel too threatened. So if that’s the myth of what we want, what’s the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like “How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex”. Trick me? How about asking me? And then I’ll be able to tell you I don’t have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I’m not supposed to do this. I’m not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: Here’s what men want from women.
One through Ten:
ONE- We want you to understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That’s it.
TWO- Don’t talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don’t talk.
THREE- When you’re behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that’s fine, but don’t give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch ‘The Godfather’ with me for the fifty-seventh time?
FIVE- Hey I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, “You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass.”
SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at “The Drink” when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don’t want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
NINE- Don’t ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don’t really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I’ve tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, “Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?”
TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that’s asking too much, how’s about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?
Last date
A man is taking a woman home after their first date.
When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
“Absolutely not”, the woman says. “I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.”
“All right then”, the man replies, “how about on the last date?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Labor Machine
Scientists created a new invention that could reduce the pain of giving birth. It gave some of the pain that the mother felt to the father. This was there first experiment:
One day a woman came who was in labor. They hooked the machine up to her and the other end to her husband. As soon as she started feeling pain they started transferring it to the husband. THey gave him 10% of the pain. He didn’t feel anything. They gave him 20%. He still felt fine. 30%. No pain. 40%. Pain free. 50%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and then 100%. THe father felt no pain whatsoever and neither did the mother. All the doctors were glad they had a pain free delivery. After the mother and father got home, they found the mailman dead on their lawn.
Chain
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?
A: Made the chain too long.
Goin’ to Chicago
Two old senile men roomed across from one another at a nursing home. Bill fancied himself a race car driver, and one day the nurse heard him making noises and came running to his room.
“Bill, what are you doing?” she cried. “I just got my new Ferrari and I’m taking it out for a test drive!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day Bill was again causing a ruckus and the nurse came to check. “Bill, what are you doing?” “I’m driving my new Ferrari to Chicago – vrrrooomm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day she heard moaning and groaning from Bob’s room across the hall from Bill”s. She walked in to find Bob furiously masturbating. “Bob, what the hell are you doing?” Bob looked up and said “I’m fucking Bill’s wife while he’s in Chicago.”
Burn Victim
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…””But how did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.”How do you think I called you people?”