Category: gender

Men are like…..Curling irons.

They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

A female’s version of a nice dinner:

1. He pickes you up in his car.
2. You go to a movie that you wanted to see forever.
3. You go over to his house, and have a goof candle light dinner
that he cooked, and then he cleaned up.
4. You rent a major chick flick movie, and watch it with him,
cuddling on the couch.
5. He drives you home.
6. Walks you to the door, you give his a sweet little peck, and
go in the house.
7. He leaves, and goes home.

===================================================

A male’s version of a nice dinner:

1. After he pickes you up in a car, you go to a movie.
2. You make out in the movie theater.
3. You go to his house, eat pizza, have sex on the table after
you eat.
4. You rent a movie, and watch it.
5. During the movie, you have sex on the couch.
6. He drives you home, you have sex in the car.
7. You walk to the porch, have sex on the porch.
8. Both of you go into her house, and have sex on her bed.
9. Then you have sex with her parents.
10. After you got home, you have sex with yourself on the table,
the couch, and the bed.

A guy is working behind the bar at a downtown restaurant, when
an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous chick walks up and beckons him
with her finger.

She seductively says to him, “Hey big boy, can I please speak to
the manager?”

He thinks that she is coming on to him as she starts running her
fingers through his hair, so he says to her, “the manager is not
around at the moment, can I help you in anyway possible?”

She then gently places a couple of fingers in his mouth and lets
him start gently licking them and says to him, “well then big
boy, you can pass on a message for me to the manager. Can you
let him know that there is no toilet paper in the ladies
toilets!!”

1…Silence, the final frontier – Where no woman has gone before.
2…The undiscovered side of Banking – How to make deposits.
3…Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome – You don’t need new shoes everyday.
4…Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5…Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6…An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7…Man Management – Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8…Personal Space – Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9…Valuation – Just because it’s not important to you.
10..Communication Skills I – Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11..Communication Skills II – How to think before speaking.
12..What he really wants – Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13..Driving a car safely – A skill you can also acquire.
14..Real women drink their share at a party.
15..Telephones – How to hang up.
16..Parking – Beginners Course.
17..Parking (Advanced) – Reversing into a parking space.
18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel – Why they prefer the floor.
19..Managing your weight – It’s not water retention, it’s fat.
20..Learning to cook I – Bran in not food.
21..Learning to cook II – Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22..Compliments – How to accept them gracefully.
23..PMS – Your problem, not his.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Many men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground.

They are not as good, but they were easy to get without putting out much effort.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men, on the other hand, are like fine wine. They start out as grapes. It is up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

When Cats Are Like Men * They are independent. * They don’t listen. * They don’t come in when you call. * They like to stay out all night. * They like to watch things move.* They like to catch prey.* They like to play.* They treat you well when you feed them.* When you’re trying to get things done, they want your attention. * When they’re at home, they like to be left alone and sleep!

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,

The first girl said”Whatshould I do? The

guy sitting next to me is masturbating.”

Her friend replied, “Don’t do

anything. Just ignore it.”

The first girl said, “I can’t.”

Her friendsaid,”Why can’tyou ignore it?”

The first one says, “Because he’s using

myhand!”

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
Can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty’s a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong.

I don’t drive in circles at any cost,
And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.

I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.

I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch,
And just cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitch.

Don’t say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay, but jewelry’s best.
Would you look at my face, not at my chest!

I don’t have a problem with Expressing my feelings,
I know when you’re lying, you look at the ceiling .

Don’t call me a girl, a babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick?!

Now, you must forward this to 4 FEMALES or you will have a
HORRIBLE streak of bad love life. Not that I believe the above,
I just think you should forward this to 4 women so they can
laugh too!!!

1. The pitter patter of little feet

2. Never let ’em see you sweat

3. Your parents might realise that you’re not 12 years old anymore

4. Naked men

5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT

6. You might like it

7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas

8. Paying back oral sex debts

9. Only pagans procreate

10. Castration

11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love

12. Body hair

13. Too many lights on in the room

14. Your roommate and neighbours can’t sleep with all that screaming

15. Axl Rose

16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there’s no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases

17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album

18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law

19. Utah Abortion Law

20. Alabama Abortion Law

21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit

22. Yeast infections

23. Too sticky

24. Messes up your hair

25. Charley-horses

26. Bladder infections

27. Cher

28. “It’s only a cold sore”

29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it’s not private)

30. Hetero men who ask, “Did you come yet?”

31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot

32. Taking off the jimmy-hat

33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks

34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation

35. Smegma

36. You still live with your parents

37. You love her but you’re not *in love* with her

38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body

39. Drooling

40. Letters to the Editor

41. Calling out the wrong name

42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you’re a Kennedy)

43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00

44. No one to have sex with

45. Carpet burn

46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!

A college English professor wrote the following sentence on the
chalk board and told the students to puctuate it correctly:
‘woman without her man is savage’

The men in the class wrote: Woman, without her man, is savage.

The women wrote: Woman: without her, man is savage.

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. * Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”* Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it. * Birth control would come in ale or lager.* You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “The Lone Ranger.”* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. * The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. * “Sorry I’m late, but I was out getting wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. * It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.* Tanks would be far easier to rent.* Garbage would take itself out. * Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.” * Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!” * Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.* St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.* But it would be celebrated every month!* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”* Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. * Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?
A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!