Category: engineers

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip
south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying
two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she
asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Heard about the new Viagra computer virus? It turns your floppy disk into a
hard drive!

A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system
wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had
stuck labels on the diskettes. Then rolled them into his typewriter to type on
the labels.

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
Buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
Dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a
Life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
From here.

3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That
Way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us
To remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping
you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your
Mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it
At once. We’re just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
Spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
Flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s
Electronics in it.

9. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s
Chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have
Cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in
A scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by
Shortly?” That motivates us.

12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to
All 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly
What you mean by “My thingy blew up”.

15. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you
for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

Tech support: always they�re for you

One day a guy calls tech support. This is a little like how it went…

Cust: hello?

TS: hello

Cust: yeah, my cup holder broke and my computer is still under warranty, so I
would like to get it replaced.

TS: ummm cup holder?

Cust: yeah cup holder…

TS: ummm did you get it with a promotional offer?

Cust: no

TS: umm are you sure you got the right company?

Cust: yeah

TS: Ummm… i ‘m sorry if I sound confused, because I am.

Cust: well it�s square, and it�s on the front of the computer, and it comes
out when you press a button…

At this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold so he could
finish laughing…

The guy had broken his CD-ROM drive, thinking it was a cup holder.

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the
plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact,
it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British
were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new,
speedy locomotive they’re developing.

They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair,
broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine
cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if
everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed
chicken.”

if girls require time _and_ money, should that be stated

Girls = Time + Money

instead? This leaves us with, using the well-known fact that time is money
which you mentioned,

Girls = 2*Money

Under the assumption that money is the root of all evil, it can now be found
that

Girls = 2*sqrt(evil)

In words, girls are _twice_ the root of all evil, instead of just evil,as you
proved.

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take
this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation
devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make
your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go
back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different
than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the in-flight movie.

11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh
noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…

14. Drinks are on me…

15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having…

16. Hey capt’n take another hit man…

Here’s the set up:
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on
the screen saying, “This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.”
Comment from person:
“How do they know what size screen I have?”