Category: engineers

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup
files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say
that the tape has been lost.

Eager to make full use of my new computer’s capabilities, I asked a
customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

“Certainly,” she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near
the tellers. “The line starts over there.”

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!

If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.

Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.

“Help” with the chores is just a click away.

You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.

Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on “back”.

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.

If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn’t Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except
the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.

Monica Lewinsky Virus: sucks your Hard Drive then spits it out…

Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?

A: Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of
finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution
wins a $1000).

The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but
resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it
touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of
the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the
local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.

Q: What’s the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with
Alzheimer’s?

A: The economist is the one with the calculator.

Nuclear Engineer’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe:

Ingredients:

1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a
second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the
mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight,
followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in
reactor

#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with
constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the
reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result
of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &
Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or
until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the
sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come
to equilibrium.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need
some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
unlocked. Now I can’t get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?”
“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote
‘thingy,'” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.

Despite the near flawless achievements of nasa’s pathfinder mission, two
things caught my eye:
* There was a potentially significant modem-synchronizing problem between
sojourner and pathfinder early on in the mission. * The first images the mars
pathfinder transmitted back to earth came at a mere 2,250 bps.
Perhaps the scientists at jpl should use a local Internet provider instead of
relying America online, eh?

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object
to tie it to.