Category: engineers

Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write?
A: Colonel

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The
Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing
first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman
ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated
breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus
Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better
than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with
his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he
finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By
imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler
symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was
doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends on the wage rate.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there
had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we
stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there
would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we
would re board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him
as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay
quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I
could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from
Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the
numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of
Records. When the compiler came round to check,
he informed the man that he will need to do it again, as “they have to be
written in words, not digits.”

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing
the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world.
I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like
there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.”

Genie: “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning
of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”

Programmer: “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users.
Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible
changes.”

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “maybe I’ll just go out and get my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!”
The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple
of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came
upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “those must be the
two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a
tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both
hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more
of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes
either!”

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked with a chalk a small “x” on
a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your
problem is.”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

The U.S. military has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any
strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to
feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical
situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them
submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

An Irish, a Mexican, and a blonde dude were working on a
200 foot scaffold.

One day, at lunch, the Irish said,”Darn! Cornbeef and
Cabbage again! If I get another one of those sandwiches
tomorrow, I’m going to jump of the scaffold.”

Then the Mexican said,”Darn! Burritos again! If I get thos
tomorrow, I too will jump from the scaffold.”

Last, the blonde dude said,”Darn! Bologna again! If I get
that again I’m going with you to jump off of the scaffold.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox and saw he
had Cornbeef and Cabbage, so he jumped to his death.

Then the Mexican opened his lunchbox and saw that he had a
burrito, so he jumped to his death.

Last the blonde opened his lunchbox and saw that he had
bologna, so he, too, jumped to his death.

The funeral was very sad. “If I would have known he was so
sick of Cornbeef and Cabbage, I wouldn’t have packed it,” said
the Irishmans wife, sobbing as every one turned to her.

Then every one lookeed at the Mexican woman. “If I knew he
hated Burritos so much, I would have given him Tamales or
enchaladas.”

Then they turned to the Blonde mans wife. She said,”Don’t
look at me. He makes his own lunchs.