Category: dirty jokes

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:”Three long years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!”

Q. What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.”This is Capt Johnson. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.”Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.” Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear, he’s gotta take a shit first!”

How are women like parking spaces?

The good ones are always taken, and the free ones are mostly handicapped.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
“Look,” said the customer, “I have no arms – would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?”
“Sure”, said the bartender, and he did.
“Now,” said the customer, “I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.”
“Certainly.” And it was done.
“If,” said the armless man, “you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer.” The bartender got it.
“You’ve been very kind,” said the customer. “Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?”
“Out the door,” said the bartender, “turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner.”

Scene: A crowded city bus.Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!! aaaaaahhhhh. Guy in the set in front of her: (gag)One block farther along: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!!!” Guy: (opens window)A minute later: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPT! PTPTPTPTPT!”A couple of blocks along: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPT! Ptptptpt!” Guy: (Sticks his head out the window.)Another minute: Fat Lady: “ptptpt. ptptpt.”A few minutes of silent stench later:Fat broad: “Pardon me, sir, would you happen to have the morning paper?”Guy: “No – but the next time we pass a tree I’ll reach out and try to grab some leaves for you.”

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is “definitely” and its meaning is “absolute, positive, without a doubt.”She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”The teacher replies to her, “Well, that’s a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?”Tom’s hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, “The water is definitely clear.””Well, Tom that’s a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it’s green, and sometimes it’s full of seaweed so it’s not definitely clear. Anyone else?”Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.”Yes, Robert?”asks the teacher.”Can I ask a question, teacher?”Robert replies.”Yes.””Do farts have lumps?””No. Why do you ask.””Well, then I’ve definitely pooped in my pants.”

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis.

The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

“Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.

I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she’d take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.

Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.”

“She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.”

“She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.”

“And then?” said the doctor. “Aw hell,” the patient explained.

“That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove.”

A doctor lies next to his patient, his mind wrestles back and forth.

One side says “It’s fine that you’re not the first doctor to sleep with a patient.”

But, the other side keeps screaming “But you’re a veterinarian!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

WHAT DOES MICHAEL JACKSON AND BURGER KING HAVE IN COMMON.

THEY BOTH STICK THEIR MEAT IN EIGHT YEAR OLD BUNS.

Why does peter pan fly?

Because if you got hit in the peter by a pan you would be flying too!!!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
“Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi.”