Category: dirty jokes

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is. It’s fine,” says the old man. “I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.”The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.”Oh, my God!” says the daughter.”He’s been using the fridge again!”

How is a man like a snow fall?

-You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Three prostitutes — a mother, daughter and grandmother — lived together.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
“How did you do tonight, dear?” asked her mother.
“Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job.”
“Wow!” said the mother. “In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars.”
“Good God!” said Grandma. “In my day we were just happy to get something
warm in our stomachs!”

Englishman Irishman Maoriman sitn in a bar talkn bout how there wifes enjoy there sex

Englishman ses after me finish wiv my mrs she rises half a metre off the bed she loves it. The old irishman ses thats fuck all mate my mrs rises metre and a half off the bed she thinks me is god

The maoriman ses yeah thats nothn after ive finished wiv my mrs an i go wipe my cock on the curtain she hits the fuckn roof

A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.

Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”

Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”

The man does so and the doctor grabs his penis.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “55.”

The doctor then grabs his balls.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “55.”

Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.

The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.

Doctor: “Say ’55.'”

Patient: “1…..2……3…..”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Henry’s wife comes home to find him shagging the dog in the front room.

“My God, Henry,” she screams, “I know you’ve had other women but this time you’ve gone too far!”

“You may be right,” he says, “I think I’m stuck.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

your mamma so stupid she got knocked down by a parked car

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. “Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how’s about a quick screw?” said Bert. Mabel’s answer as expected was, “No Bert, it’s only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.”

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, “It is still 5 days to go and as you’ve been a good fellow,
I’ll let you have a little feel of your prize.”

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, “I can see what your problem is but you’ve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.”

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel’s skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, “Mabel, do you think it will keep ’till Saturday?!?”

A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.”

Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange.

Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?”

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.

The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

Guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.”

“I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.

He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

The guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.” So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.”

There was a boy with speach problems and his mother asked him if he could by her a few things at the shops. First he went to the hardware store and he asked for a fucket and the shop keeper says a what? and the boy said a fucket there about that big and you can fill it with water and the shop keeper said oh a bucket so he gave the a bucket the boy went to the bakery and asked for a bum and the bakery guy said a what? a bum there about this small and you can put salad in them and the bakery guy said oh a bun so he gave the a bun then the boy went to the pet store and asked for a cockandspankit. then the shop keeper said a what? then the boy said a cockandspankit there about this big and they bark then the shop keeper said oh a cockinspaniel so he gave him the dog the boy went up to a police officer and said can you hold my bum and fucket while i go chase my cockandspankit

A guy walked into the doctor’s office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

“Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty receptionist asked. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”

“It’s rather embarrassing,” the guy stammered. “You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.”

“Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze you in.”

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.”Hey,” says the Navyman, “in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.””In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”