Category: dirty jokes

You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

I understand that’s Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

That’s funny you calling me an animal, and it’s you that has the webbed feet.

You look familiar too, but that’s not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

Didn’t I dissect you in a biology class one time ?

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?

A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.”i ate my owners cord” said the first dog.”and im getting put 2 sleep.””me 2″said the 2nd dog.”what did u do”asked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.’well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldn’t resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.”responded the 3rd dog.”so your getting put 2 sleep 2?”asked the 2nd dog.”no, i’m getting my nails trimmed.”

Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose sitiuation?

He may have you at his knees, but you have him by the balls.

A salsman receved a call from his boss informing him he had an appontment with a competitor 150 miles away, and he only had two and a half hours to get there, and that he would be there for three days. his wife was always complaning that he never took her with him, so he calld and told her to pack a bag and be ready he would be there in ten minutes to pick her up he had no time to wast so to meet him at the curb,he stopped she jumped in off thay went, therty minutes down the road she told him she had to stop some where that she had diarrhea and had to stop, but I cant stop I cant be late, so thay rode a while longer once agan she said I have to go now” so he told her to roll down the window and to stick her butt out the window he could not stop for eaney thing after a minute or two she dropet her paints and stuck her butt out the window just as she let go there was two hitch hickers beside the road SPLAT” first hitch hicker wiping his face off, said wow what awful smelling tobaco, second hitch hicker wiping his face said ya” and did you see the Jaws” on that Berded Basterd when He spit?

If you throw a cat out of a car window is that considered “kitty litter”?

Submitted by Curtis

Two friends in a Bar:

JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?

JOE: Er…, when I clean myself off with the curtains.

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling � what should I do?” “In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.”The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.”Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.””So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped. “The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), “Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don’t we take off our panties so’s we be cool” Eloise says, “Oh, I don’t know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed”.So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, “Eloise, honey, I just can’t stand this heat. We jess got’s to take off our panties so’s we be cool”? And Eloise says, “Mary Jane , I juss can’t, I’d be too embarrassed”. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, “Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc’h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I’ll bet she be cool.”And Mary Jane says, “Less go axe her.” So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, “Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc’h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool”?And the woman says, “Honey child… I don’t no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon”!

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia. The boy’s mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since. So he took his boy aside one day and told him, “Listen son, don’t go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they’ve got teeth down there.”The boy listened intently to his father’s advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone. So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship. He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place. They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father’s advice and shies away.”What’s wrong?” she asks. “Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there” replied the young man. “Of course we haven’t got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.” So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he’s poking around, examining the lady’s most private parts. “Hmmmm. I don’t see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.”

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “She’ll never go for me carrying on like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he ‘putt-putted’. He ‘putted’ down one hill and ‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!!” To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Why do hoes wear panties??

A: Because they arepantie hoes.