Category: dirty jokes

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.”I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of the family.He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.””But what about the smell?” the friend asked.”Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”

A guy is very desperate one day, so he gathers up his money which only comes to $3 and goes to a whore house. He asks the woman at the desk “What can I get for this?”

She laughs, and says “I’m sorry, you cant get anything.” The guy begins to cry and taken by this the woman said “Hey…Well, I’ll make you a deal. I will let you fuck this chicken for $3!”

The guy is sickened, and immediately walks away, but through the night he cant stop thinking about the chicken.

The next day, he goes back to the whore house and gives the lady the $3 he had. She tells him, “Go straight across, and then turn left” The guy thanks her, and then walks off into the room she pointed for him to go to.

The next day he is still thinking about the chicken, and once again he goes to the whore house. This time he only has $2, and he goes up to the woman and says, “Gimme the chicken.”

She starts shaking her head, and replies “No way! You almost killed the chicken last time! But I will let you see 2 lesbians fingerbanging each other,”

The guy says, “fine,” and gives the woman his money.
“Go straight up the stairs, and onto the balcony,” the woman says.

When he gets there, he is also surrounded by a crowd. He starts talking to a guy saying “Wow this is some pretty good stuff!”

The guy replies “Nah man… You should’ve been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken!!!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after being humiliated by an old
woman, decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the
president has heard about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the
offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his
secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message
from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his
money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be
quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the
man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese
business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the
president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the
Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to
be
interested in the president’s secretary. After the dinner, the businessman
asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights
in
Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the
president
orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her
that
she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the
man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the
secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the
eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and
asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers
what her boss told her. Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries
to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man “I will only marry
you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a
75
carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I buy. I buy.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine
country in France.”

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some
brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at
the woman, nods his head and says “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her
eyes,
looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like to have sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s muttering something
in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes
his
head, looking real sad, says to the woman “I cut. I cut.”

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks.

“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor.

“Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?”

“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”

“Is that going to help me” says the man.

“No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

“As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”

The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

“Let’s see. My first wish is…”

He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.’

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

“Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

“What is your final wish, Master?’ asked the genie.

“I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

One night these two guys were having sex in their bedroom. The guy fucking the other guy is about to cum, when the phone rings.

He gets up, and as he is walking out of the room, he says “don’t cum until I get back.”

He answers the phone and then goes back into the bedroom. His boyfriend is laying on the bed and there is cum all over the wall.

He says ” I thought I told you not to cum until I got back?!?”

His boyfriend says, “I didn’t, I farted.”

Kids: “Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?” Mother: “I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,” Kids: “Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?”

A new list of the “World’s Shortest Books”:

STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED
-by Elizabeth Taylor

BEAUTY SECRETS
-by Janet Reno

HOME BUILT AIRPLANES
-by John Denver

DOWN HILL SKIING
-by Sonny Bono

HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL
-by Dan Marino

FLYING AT NIGHT
-by JFK, Jr.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
-by Hillary Clinton

MY LIFE’S MEMORIES
-by Ronald Reagan

THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD-
by Bill Gates

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
-by O. J. Simpson

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
-by Dennis Rodman

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
-by the Ramseys

AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
HELLEN KELLER’S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

Why do women have 2 legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.The employee thought, “How did he do that?” Next he took him to a pile of 2×4’s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said “You think you’ve got me, don’t you? Well I know what that is. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death. Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. “You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” asked bin Laden. “It don’t matter,” said the psychic. “The day you die will be made into an American holiday.”

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.
They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.
They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief nods and simply says, “Yes…seen plane crash”.
When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!”

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”
The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”
The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!”

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, “Did you..you know…eat their…things?”
The cheif says, “NO, you idoit!”… even cannibals know that…
“THINGS go better with Coke!”