Category: computers

What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?

A fucking know it all.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file,
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn,
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who’s late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender’s all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away should it rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I’m wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

– Author Unknown

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself “Why on earth did I do that?”

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck

In MS Word, type the following:

I’d like to see Bill Gates dead

Highlight the phrase and go to your thesauraus (shift+F7)…What do you
see…

I’ll drink to that

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an
agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several
hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks
Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it
all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any
better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid
display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers.

Satan is astonished.

He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’
program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.” ~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park? One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!”

Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

15> Pasty White Russian14> ASCII Sour13> Seagram’s Seven of Nine12> Harvey Codebanger11> Slow Comfortable Download Against the Firewall10> Chat Room on the Beach 9> Dotcomikaze 8> Blue Daiquiri Of Death 7> Anything, as long as there’s a Mountain Dew chaser. 6> Screamin’ Klingon 5> SCSI Navel 4> Rum and Jolt 3> Your Company on the Rocks 2> Sloe Porn Download 1> Sex in Your Dreams [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

You know it’s time to turn your computer off and read a book
when…

1. A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phone’s been busy
– – for a year!!!”

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL!”

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said, “YOU’VE
GOT MAIL.”

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and
45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your
car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen
name on it.

12. You say “he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what is was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending
an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off-line and you wish that
you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online
for a while.

18. “Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

20, You get up in the morning and go online before having
breakfast.

21. You end your sentences with three or more periods…….

22. You’ve gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a chat room and get greeted by 25 people with
{{(hugs}}} and **kisses**.

25. Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and you say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this….”BRB. leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP.”

29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.