Category: computers

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the
Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it’s guilty of trashing your
system, but you just can’t prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long
to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you’re getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by
LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a “virus,”
butinstead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your
komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC’s infected will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time(plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you
choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen
splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of
the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my
docs…no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

How do you know if you are a geek?

Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $
500.00

Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles

Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper

Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property

D: dog not found

C: file not found

Favorite trick

D: roll over

C: play dead

Comic-page hero

D: Dogbert

C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads

D: peanut butter on roof of mouth

C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus

D: replace valuable carpeting

C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate

D: leash law

C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool

D: pooper-scooper

C: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures

D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional

C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory

D: lifting leg

C: “Designed for Windows 95”

Unique behavior

D: lick and drag

C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature

D: dewclaw

C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan

D: 12 years

C: 12 months

At end of useful life

D: euthanasia

C: tax deduction

Why is a woman different from a PC?

A woman won’t accept a 3″ floppy.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Christine

“Hard Drive” – Trying to climp a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

“Keyboard” – Place to hang your truck keys.

“Window” – Place in the truck to hang your gun.

“Floppy” – When you run out of Polygrip.

“Modem” – How to get rid of your dandelions.

“ROM” – Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

“Byte” – First word in a kiss-off phrase.

“Reboot” – What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

“Network” – Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

“Mouse” – Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

“LAN” – To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”

“Cursor” – What some guys do when they are mad at their wives/girlfriends.

“Bit” – A wager as in “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”

“Digital Control” – What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

“Packet” – What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear
(to be sung to “Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland”)

Lacy things – the wife is missin,
Didn’t ask – her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store – there’s a teddy,
Little straps – like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?” I’ll say, “Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our wives are out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress – like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear!

Owed Two A Spell Chequer:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

It seems that computer programs are full of “bugs,” so named because that’s what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:

Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.

Chevy might bring back the Vega.

Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.

Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.

The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

As the ball drops on New Year’s Eve in Times Square in New York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.

Kenneth Starr would lose all of his data and have to start his investigation over from scratch.

Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking NOON NOON NOON.

Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.

If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight Savings Time, imagine the headaches you’ll have to endure when we start the 1900’s all over again!

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0…

– A “Don’t remind me again” button

– Minimize button

– Shutdown feature

– An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)

– “Abort” button (O.K. that one’s pretty bad – but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Warren Commission virus: Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.