Category: business

#1 Once you have their money… never give it back. #3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to. #6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity. #7 Keep your ears open. #8 Small print leads to large risk. #9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit. #10 Greed is eternal. #13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money. #16 A deal is a deal… until a better one comes along. #18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all. #19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed. #21 Never place friendship above profit. #22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind. #27 There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest business man. #31 Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother… insult something he cares about instead. #33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss. #34 Peace is good for business. #35 War is good for business. #40 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum. #41 Profit is it’s own reward. #44 Never confuse luck with wisdom. #47 Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own. #48 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife. #52 Never ask when you can take. #57 Good customers are as rare as latinum – treasure them. #58 There is no substitute for success. #59 Free advice is seldom cheap. #60 Keep your lies consistent. #62 The riskier the road, the greater the profit. #65 Win or lose, there’s always Huyperian beetle snuff. #75 Home is where the heart is… but the stars are made of latinum. #76 Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies. #79 Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge. #82 The flimsier the product, the higher the price. #85 Never let the competition know what your thinking. #89 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits. #94 Females and finances don’t mix. #97 Enough… is never enough. #99 Trust is the biggest liability of all. #102 Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever. #104 Faith moves mountains… of inventory. #106 There is no honor in poverty. #109 Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack. #111 Treat people in your debt like family… exploit them.#112 Never have sex with the bosses sister. #113 Always have sex with the boss. #117 You can’t free a fish from water. #121 Everything is for sale, even friendship. #123 Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum. #139 Wives serve, brothers inherit. #141 Only fools pay retail. #144 There’s nothing wrong with charity… as long as it winds up in your pocket. #162 Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit. #177 Know your enemies… but do business with them always. #181 Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit. #189 Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money. #190 Hear all, believe nothing. #192 Never cheat a Klingon… unless your sure you can get away with it. #194 It’s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in the door. #202 The justification for profit is profit. #203 New customers are like razor-toothed Gree worms, they may be succulent, but sometimes they bite. #214 Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach. #218 Always know what your buying. #223 Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox. #229 Latinum lasts longer than lust. #236 You can’t buy fate. #242 More is good… all is better. #255 A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant a necessity. #261 A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience. #266 When in doubt, lie. #284 Deep down everyone’s a Ferengi. #285 No good deed goes unpunished.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are… You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows… both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows… and the one on the left is kinda cute…

One time, Mark Bookspan was calculating his finances and he screwed it all up.

When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.

Quality assurance doesn’t.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

1. You�ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
2. Your company�s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries� annual budgets combined.

7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

8. It�s dark when you drive to and from work.

9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

12. Being sick is defined as can�t walk or you�re in the hospital.

13. You�re already late on the assignment you just got.

14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”

15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

16. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you.”

17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

18. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers.”

19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

20. You read this entire list and understood it.