Category: bill clinton

CLINTONESQUE LANGUAGE MANIPULATIONPresident Clinton has pushed the envelope of the English language to realms hitherto unchartered. Now that we know that a person can enjoy sex while not actually having sex, let’s consider other situations where similar language manipulation can provide an equally convenient defense… * In Chicago, it isn’t voter fraud unless you can prove those dead people would have voted the other way.* It isn’t reckless driving if you get into an actual wreck.* You are not guilty of DUI if you were so drunk that you thought someone else was driving.* It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.* You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them or beat them.* It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.* It isn’t procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now.* It isn’t a pre-existing condition unless you had it before you existed.* You’re not fat if clothes are actually made in your size.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George Washington. He says,
“George, what can I do to make things better for the people?” George Washington
says, “Lower the taxes”. Clinton says, “I can’t do that”. The next night
Clinton dreams but this time Thomas Jefferson is there. “Thomas” Clinton says,
“what can I do to make things better for the public”? Thomas Jefferson replies,
“Lower the taxes”. Clinton says, “I can’t do that”. The next night Clinton
dreams and this time Abraham Lincoln is there. “Abe Lincoln” Clinton says,
“what can I do to make things better for the people”? Lincoln says…”Go to the
theater”.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing
form…democracy.

Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign Service?
He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

Q: Why did Clinton want a lot of women in his cabinet?
A: To hide the men in his closet.

Q: What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?A: When Hillary is out of town. Clinton’s team of advisors have offered the following defense: Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

Excerpt from Kenneth Starr’s cross examination of President Clinton.

Starr: Now you told us earlier that you spent a lot of money on a face
lift for Ms. Lewinski. Would you like to clarify just how much money you
spent?

Clinton: No, no ,no. What I said was, “I blew a wad on her
face.”

We’re off to see the wizard….The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.”WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.””NO PROBLEM!” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well..,Well.., Well.., I … think I need a brain”.”DONE” says the Wizard. “WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?”Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.””I’VE HEARD ITS TRUE.” says the Wizard. “CONSIDER IT DONE.”Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?””Is Dorothy around?”

Q: What’s the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.