Category: bill clinton

Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets
him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill
sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “oh
no. That’s not how I want to spend eternity…”
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh
chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, “Nope. Not for me.”

The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall
with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.

Bill says, “Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I’ll take it!”

The Devil then says “Good….. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced…”

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right
in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “The President Must Go”
written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms
into his security staff�s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on
the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be
standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?” The security
guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers “Well dammit,
don�t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I
want it TONIGHT!” The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, “Well
Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
you want first?” Clinton says “Oh hell, give me the bad news first.” The officer
says, “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came
back, and it was Al Gore�s urine.” Clinton says “Oh my god, I feel so… so…
betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn…. Well, what�s the really bad news?” The
officer replies, “Well sir, it�s Hillary�s handwriting�.

One day 3 boys were fishing on the Rappahanock River and all of the sudden Bill and Hillary Clinton were on a raft and they tipped over and the boys saved them !! then Bill said ” You must be proud because you saved the President and the 1st lady and so I will give you 1 wish each.” The 1st boy said “I wanna fly on Air Force One ” and the 2 nd boy said ” I wanna sleep in The White House” And the 3rd boy said “I wanna grave in the Arlington Cemetery” Bill said why do you want that? and the boy said when I tell my dad who I saved he will kill me !!!!!!!

Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the women feel when being screwed.

Clinton’s mail:Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter ———————-Dear Bill: OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox! Gary Hart ———————-My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ———————-Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Mayor Marion Berry ———————-Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren’t caught wearing Monica’s thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I’m back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert ———————-Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. Let me assure you, you’re not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn’t really sex.* Warm personal regards,* Newt—————————-Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford —————————Dear Mr. President: Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence Thomas ————————–Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole ————————-Dear Mr. President: I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson ————————–Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart ————————-Dear Bill: Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Bakker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. ————————-Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe ————————-Dear Bill: Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, ha ha! And they say I don’t have a sense of humor). As we British say, keep your pecker up! HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales ————————Dear Mr. President, We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. Editor, Cigar magazine ———————–Dear Bill: Congratulations on your impeccable moral leadership of the nation. You are a shining example to us all. Could you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday? We plan to invite the Nixons and Agnews as well. Sincerely,Ronald Reagan

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, ‘Come on in. I’ll show you >around. I really think you’ll like it here.’ Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, ‘what’s the deal with all the clocks?’ St. Peter replied, ‘they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance,this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely,it will move any second.’ Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute. ‘Sam must be closing on a deal right now,’ said St. Peter. ‘The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.’The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. ‘Whose clock is this?’ asked the man. ‘That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.’ They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.When the tour was finally finished, the man said, ‘I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! W here is President Clinton’s clock kept?’ St. Peter smiled and said, ‘Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan.

The White House scandal wasn’t really Bill’s fault.

It was just something he got sucked into.

Q: What does the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knows when Chelsea is menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he’s acting.

1. Why does Bill Clinton take 21-year-old girls into the Oval Office? — He wants to show them the Executive Branch.2. What’s the new game that’s all the rage in the White House? — Swallow the leader.3. Would you rather get a blowjob from a 21 year old or be president? — Yeah, that’s what Bill said, too.

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ”Save the
women!”
George Bush hysterically screeches, ”Screw the women!”
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ”Do we have time?”