A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ‘Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.’He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ‘Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?’The Officer replies, ‘The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking round taking up a collection for him’.’Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”So far only about three hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.’ [OK, Ok, ok, you saw this during the OJ thang, but some good jokes are worth a re-tread]
Category: bill clinton
A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Instruments
What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument?
A sexaphone!
Treasure map
There was one embarrassing moment at the White House yesterday… I guess when they brought out the Declaration of Independence President Bush kept looking for the treasure map on the back.
-Jay Leno
Clinton quickies
Two quick Clinton oneliners. . .Is it true that President Clinton’s favorite movie is ‘Free Willy’?Yassar Arafat’s advice to President Clinton… ‘Goats don’t talk’
The 11th commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses.
They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an
inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action left was to
create an 11th Commandment. This was the only way that they could think off to
get their message across. Now only one problem remained. How do you word this
new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style & holy
inspiration?
After great meditation & discussion, they concluded: “Thou shalt not comfort
thy rod with thy staff.”
Hillary look best in.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Hydrogen
President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station.
He said that hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future.
You know I’m not sure president Bush really understands hydrogen.
Like he kept trying to take a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny.
-Jay Leno
Land of Oz
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they’re in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle announces: “I’ll ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich responds: “I’ll ask him for a heart.”
Clinton looks around and says: “Where’s Dorothy?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Map
Bill Clinton was walking on the beach and he saw a magic lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it, a genie popped out.
The genie said, “You’ve freed me from my captivity, you get one wish.”
Clinton said, “Okay,” he reached into his pocket and pulled out a map of the world.
He asked the genie for world peace. The genie said, “Are you kidding, I’m only a G2, only a G1 can do something like that.
If I tried to do that it would take all my powers. Make another wish.”
Clinton said, “Okay,” and proceded to look through his wallet. He pulled out a picture of his daughter and said, “Make my daughter beautiful.”
The genie looked at the picture and said, “Let me see that map again.”
Submitted by curtis
edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and yisman
POLITICAL Advice from the ancients
ADVICE FROM THE ANCIENTS….. Bill Clinton went jogging one morning last week to clear his head and think about his troubles. He came upon the Washington monument and paused. Looking up he said, ‘George, what should I do?’ After a few seconds George replied, ‘Abolish the IRS and start over.’ Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said ‘Tom, what should I do?’ After a few seconds Tom replied, ‘Abolish welfare and start over.’ Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, ‘Abe, what should I do?’ After a few seconds Abe replied ‘Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?’
The Pope, OJ Simpson, and Bill Clinton
The Pope, OJ Simpson, and Bill Clinton were in a boat when it started to sink.
“Women and children first!” cried the Pope.
� F–k the women.” said OJ.
� Think we have enough time?” asked Bill Clinton.