Category: bill clinton

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, “But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed”. Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.”

President Clinton will always be remembered as: ‘The President after Bush.’During Clinton’s interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen the woman. Bill Clinton replied, ‘I’ve come across her face a couple of times.’

Secret Service are agents expected to testify that Monica Lewinsky was in the
oval office with the President unescorted for 40 minutes, But everything was
O.K., she was just giving the president a debriefing.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

What is Bill Clinton’s Second favorite movie?

“Octopussy”

What is Bill’s idea of “safe sex”? A locked door.

Q: What’s the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary’s aides haven’t killed her yet.

Q: What’s Bill’s fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

THE TRAGIC COMEDIE OF KING LEERScene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.Witch Tripp:Double, double, Webster Hubbell,I think I got the Creep in trouble.Eye of Newt, strap of bra,Could it be he broke some law?Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!Hark! Who trespasses so near?Kenneth of Starr: ‘Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m’lord. The maidenLewinsky, so deeply embroil’d, is now join’d by the Lady Willey in likepursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king. Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more movesthan a chess board. His public, well pleas’d with good news of theeconomie, doth o’erlook much. Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he mayelude me yet. Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter’d, may bear his master harshreproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to surveythe king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom’d to insects. What’s one morebug? Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)Scene 2. The king’s antechamberDuke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently! Thecastle is assaulted on all sides! Leer: What would I not give for an hour’s peace!McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press inname and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for someexplanation from thy lips. Leer: Who is there among them?McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host ofothers. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy. Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack’d against a pure soul. Whereis Lady Hillary? McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock’d in her bath, sayingover and over, ‘Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?’ Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation.Never have I betrayed m’lady’s trust. McCurry: Whatever.(Enter Messenger)Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth ofStarr, the Grand Inquisitor. Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross’d as I? Why does this man conspire toafflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me. Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah, thendoth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswearagain that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who withdrawethnot her claims against you. Leer: I have already so sworn!McCurry: It would seem, m’lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willeyrekindles old flames. Leer: I kiss’d the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Neverwas a king so expos’d! McCurry: Truer words were ne’er spoken.Leer: I cannot think on’t further. Leave me to my own counsel.(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question.Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows ofoutrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a juniorcollege. (Enter Courtier)Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.Leer: What’s this?Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. Sheseems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair. Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.Leer: Let us not tarry further.(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.Me seeth I have much to do.And so it comes to this pretty passTo see if the king doth get some ….

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Monica’s nickname for bill: “Sir Blow-alot”

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into
the Oval Office with a pair of woman’s panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat used
to the president’s tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one
left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President’s
personal business.