Category: bill clinton

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: How is the Clinton cabinet like a bowl of Granola?
A: What ain’t fruit and nuts is flakes.

President French-Fry was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner
hailed him.

“Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!”

“No, no.” Bill replied with a grin, “Five bucks!” and kept on jogging.

This exchange soon became a part of the President’s normal routine. Each day
as he’d approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, “Hey Mr.
President…Fifty Bucks!” and Bill would holler back, “No, Five Bucks!”

Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill.

As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was
about to happen.

Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she
smiled and waved and yelled out, “Hey Mr. President…See what you get for Five
Bucks?”

In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the breaking
story, it seems apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinsky’s
mouth. A growing majority is finding the President’s story hard to swallow,
noting that it appears quite evident that Monica was influenced by some sort of
Presidential �gag order.�
The First Lady, the recognized steward of the President’s power base, is
reported to be afraid that Lewinsky has blown everything. Vernon Jordan is
reported to have suggested that Ms. Lewinsky approach the President with a stiff
upper lip for the time being, and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging
tongue seems to have done.
Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search for Richard
Nixon’s tape erasing machine, last seen on loan to the offices of the Rose Law
Firm in Little Rock. In an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has
extended an invitation to Ms. Lewinsky for an exclusive guided tour of the
Capital City’s national parks one night next week.
Ms. Lewinsky’s attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking out of
context a comment by her close friends that she once said, �she wanted to head
the Oval Office someday.� Defending his client as a victim, he said that �…
this oral sex thing really has her choked up, you know.�
Mr. Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case, remains unmoved,
and has made it clear that to avoid criminal liability she, Ms. Lewinsky will be
required to give a complete blow-by-blow description of her relationship with
Mr. Clinton.
Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman who stands to
dethrone her father, simply replied, �She sucks!�
In a related story, a truck bomb scare in the front driveway of the White
House resulted in the evacuation of the building until Secret Service agents
ascertained that the Ryder van parked in the drive was just Tipper Gore waiting
out front with her furniture….

Realization of another White House intern… “And all the time I
thought that humming was the shredder!”

Q: What’s the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck UP…

Q: What’s the difference between Federico Pena’s Denver International Airport
and the White House?
A: Planes can land at the White House.

I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but think it
is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and
there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies
compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let’s say you’re a photographer out
getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for
particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton
struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice
of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the President
being swept away………..

What does being an intern at the Whitehouse prepare one to do? A recent survey
showed that 16% of former interns qualified as carpenters for making Bill’s
banana stand, 28% became kneepad salesmen, and 58% became head tasters at
factories making strong cheese.

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought – “That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face.”

(2) Janet Reno thought – “That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him.”

(3) Bill Clinton thought – “George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me.”

(4) George Bush thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.”

Tony Blair asks Bill Clinton what he thinks about the Northern Ireland position.

Clinton says: “Gee, I haven’t tried that one …..yet”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Washington Post february 4, 1988 I BelieveThis is more commentary than humor, but what the heck…————————————I believe the president. I have always believed him. I believed him when he said he had never been drafted in the Vietnam War and I believed him when he said he had forgotten to mention that he had been drafted in the Vietnam War. I believed him when he said he hadn’t had sex with Gennifer Flowers and I believe him now, when he reportedly says he did.I believe the president did not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom, did not sell access to himself and the vice president to hundreds of well-heeled special pleaders and did not supervise the largest, most systematic money-laundering operation in campaign finance history, collecting more than $ 3 million in illegal and improper donations. I believe that Charlie Trie and James Riady were motivated by nothing but patriotism for their adopted country.I believed Vice President Gore when he said that he had made dunning calls to political contributors ‘on a few occasions’ from his White House office, and I believed when he said that, actually, ‘a few’ meant 46. I believe in no controlling legal authority.I believe Bruce Babbitt when he says that the $ 286,000 contributed the DNC by Indian tribes opposed to granting a casino license to rival tribes had nothing to do with his denial of the license. I believed the secretary when he said that he had not been instructed this matter by then-White House deputy chief of staff Harold Ickes. I believed him when he said that he had told lobbyist and friend Paul Eckstein that Ickes had told him to move on the casino decision, but that he had been lying to Eckstein. I agree with the secretary that it is an outrage that anyone would question his integrity. I believe in the Clinton Standard of adherence to the campaign finance and bribery laws, enunciated by the president on March 7, 1997: ‘I don’t believe you can find any evidence of the fact that I had changed government policy solely because of a contribution.’ I note with approval the use of the word ‘evidence’ and also the use of the word ‘solely.’ I believe that it is proper to change government policy to address the concerns of people who have given the president money, as long as nobody can find evidence of this being the sole reason. I believe the president has lived up to his promise to preside over the most ethical administration in American history. I believe that indicted former agriculture secretary Mike Espy did not accept $35,000 in illegal favors from Tyson Foods and other regulated businesses. I believe that indicted former housing secretary Henry Cisneros did not lie to the FBI and tell others to lie to cover up $ 250,000 in blackmail payments to his former mistress. I believe that convicted former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell was not involved in the obstruction of justice when the president’s minions arranged for Hubbell to receive $ 400,000 in sweetheart consulting deals at a time when he was reneging on his promise to cooperate with Kenneth Starr’s Whitewater investigation. I believe Paula Jones is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Kathleen Willey is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Monica Lewinsky is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Lewinsky was fantasizing in her 20 hours of conversation in which she reportedly detailed her sexual relationship with the president and begged Linda Tripp to join her in lying about the relationship. I believe that any gifts, correspondence, telephone calls and the 37 post-employment White House visits that may have passed between Lewinsky and the president are evidence only of a platonic relationship; such innocent intimate friendships are quite common between middle-aged married men and young single women, and also between presidents of the United States and White House interns. I see nothing suspicious in the report that the president’s intimate, Vernon Jordan, arranged a $ 40,000-per-year job for Lewinsky shortly after she signed but before she filed an affidavit saying she had not had sex with the president. Nor do I read anything into the fact that the ambassador to the United Nations, Bill Richardson, visited Lewinsky at the Watergate to offer her a job. I believe the instructions Lewinsky gave Tripp informing her on how to properly perjure herself in the Willey matter simply wrote themselves.I believe that The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, PBS and NPR are all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Especially NPR.