Category: bill clinton

President Clinton?

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“Remember President Clinton? He had to go to London over there to pick up
another quarter of a million dollar speaking fee. And he had to fly commercial
for the first time, and I am thinking ‘Wait a minute? Isn’t that a violation of
his parole?'” �David Letterman
“It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad � getting off the plane. See Clinton,
he thinks that he is on Air Force One, so he gets off the plane and out of force
of habit, he steals the pillows and the earphones and the chairs and the flight
attendant and the landing gear and the cockpit and the lavatory and the
in-flight movie and the flaps and the vertical stabilizers, the reverse
thrusters.” �David Letterman
“Clinton flew to Europe yesterday to give a series of lectures. Hey, wouldn’t
it be great for revenge if while the Clintons were out of town the Bushes snuck
into their house in Chappaqua and stole all the furniture back?” �Jay Leno

Contest

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Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Contestants’ Entries:
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chin sky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Entry # 4
There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr’s lap
She confided, when trapped,
“Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky.” *
* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet
dancer (whoa! ROFL, ever see pix of both????).

Clinton’s at a gas station

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Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary�s hometown. They
are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant
comes out and being�s to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing
this, he looks into the passenger window.
“Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?” he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they
drive Bill is feeling very proud of him and looks over at Hillary.
“You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had
married him,” he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs.
The she replies, “Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the
President.”

Clinton’s Fan Mail

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Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although
when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I
served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body.
God bless you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill:
OK, so I’ll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox. What’s
more, I want to say this to the American People. Unlike you I HAD a relationship
with that woman!
Gary Hart
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that
charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you
made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a
prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Mayor Marion Barry
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I’m not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. This
is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the greatest pick-up line in
years, namely that oral copulation doesn’t constitute sex. Just today I have
already used it successfully four times and it’s not even 10 am yet.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
Dear Mr. President:
Now I’m on the Supreme Court. I’m here for life! And there’s nothing anyone
can do about it!
So there!
Justice Clarence Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into
this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
Dear Mr. President: I think it’s terrible what they are doing to you, and I
want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you’re welcome to
bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want.
I’ll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don’t let them get you on tape. Big
mistake!!
With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
Dear Bill:
I know things look bad for you now but take it from me – the American public
is very forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the bridge.
Regards,
Senator Edward Kennedy
Dear Bill:
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to
marry my darling Camilla, and someday I’ll be King! Funny how life turns out. So
keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don’t
have a sense of humor).
As we British say, keep your pecker up!
H.R.H. Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
Editor, Cigar Magazine
Dear Bill:
Congratulations on your election. You are a shining example to us all. Could
you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday? We plan to invite the Nixons
and Agnews as well.
Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan
Dear Mr. President:
You have taken a big load off my mind. For a long time my conscience had been
bothering me but now I can honestly say that I told the truth when I publicly
stated that I had never committed adultery. I am truly sorry that your liaisons
with Ms. Lewinsky have become such a political hot potatoes but you are still my
heroe.
Respectfully,
Senator Dan Quayle.