Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’.

‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

‘It’s always the same thing with you!’, the man then shouts at the dog, ‘Ok, I’ll show you how to do this one last time’.

There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady. He tryed and tryed all night, he couldn’t get one. He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants. On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants. He was at the bar all night. He couldn’t get a lady. He went to home and told his brother that he still didn’t get a lady. His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time.

you have been selected 4free 3days n 2nite stay at hotel BAGHADAD in IRAQ free fire works n air show by U.S AIR FORCE

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said “NO STRINGS ALLOWED.” Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink. The bartender said “Can’t your read?” and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door. The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well. The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch. Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini. “Say,” asked the bartender suspiciously, “aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?” ‘Fraid not,” replied the string.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that
it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks
the bartender for a Jack Daniel’s. He downs it, and then takes a running leap
out the window. Much to everybody’s surprise, he floats back up and climbs
through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the
man how he did it.

“Easy,” says the man. “Outside this window are some very strong wind currents
which can carry you back to the window.”

“Wow,” says the man at the bar. “I gotta try this.” He takes a running leap
out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

“Geez, Superman,” says the bartender. “You can be a real a jerk when you’re
drunk.”

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me.”

“Every Friday night, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!”

“I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down.”

“Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s Bar?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

yo mommas so ugly, she didnt git hit with the ugly stick, she got hit with the whole tree!

Jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny.
jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock.
cause jills a fuckn tranny.

One day Adam’s teacher told the class that everyone must find out a moral for
the next day’s class.

One boy came in and said, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch�.

The second boy said, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Then Adam came in with a broken jaw and black eyes and said, “I asked my Uncle
Johnny for a moral, and he told me to shut up. I told him he had to help me
because it was homework.” The teacher said, “What is the moral, Johnny?”

� DON�T MESS WITH UNCLE JOHNNY WHEN HE’S DRINKING!!!”

Kiesha such a chicken head she has to replace her name saying Kiesha instead of “I”
Example: Kiesha doeant want to speak to you, good bye(rudely).

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked
home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. “What are you
doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

1. “You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)
(I’m easy.)

5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)
(I’m gay.)

6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)
(I’m horny.)

10. “Who’s got the next round?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor’s Note – one of my personal favorites)

13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. “What do you have on tap?”
(What’s cheap?)

16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
(I’m *really* gay.)

17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
(I’m *really* easy.)

18. “That person looks really familiar.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)
(I’m 19.)

21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)
(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)