Category: bar & drinking

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.”Have you found Jesus?” he asked.

“Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!” says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!” the drunk slurs again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus YET?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

gfhghgh

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, “We don’t serve food here.”

yo mom is fat her crack is the grandcayon

A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: “Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!” The horse then says: “What? ‘Eric?'”

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, ”I’m sick of your polack jokes and I’m going to knock the shit out of you.” ”I’m sorry, it was all in good fun,” replied the comedian. The polack retorted, ”I was talking to little asshole on your knee.”

There once was a 60 year old woman who suddenly developed a terrible itch in her private area. Not knowing what was wrong she went to her docter.

“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”

The doctor told the woman she most likely had crabs.

“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”

she left and went to another doctor for a second opinion. this time she went to a very old and very wise doctor.

“doctor” she said “help i have a terrible itch in my private area, im a virgin and i cant figure out what is wrong with me.”

again the doctor told her she may have crabs

“how can this be?” the woman said “i am a virgin, i have never been with a man.”

the old wise doctor took a look and looking up at the old woman said “well i hate to tell you this but it looks as if your cherry has rotted and you have fruit flys.”

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!

Q: Four gay men walk in a bar to
have beer they find only on chair. What do they do to all sit down?

A: They turn the chair upside down and sit on the legs.

HI My NAME IS LACEY AND THIS IS A FUNNY joke!!

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench, and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and Orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at Least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, “I know it’s none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the Whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe,
and order another one” routine?”

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it’s time for me to Go home.”