Category: bar & drinking

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,”Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.”So he replied,” Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.”So the guy accepted and walked away. A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says,” Bartender, I’d Like a brewsky.”Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip. He slamed down the mug and said,”I fell like a stud bull!” and the gay guy said,”Mooo!”

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”

A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.”Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?””Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a
scotch, gulps it down, and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second
mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my
foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times
to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down, and nearly
breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, “Yeah,
well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it
into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz
going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for
this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.””Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!””Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.”Her voice dropped.”It helps her constipation, you know.”So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s going to shit!”

what does a blak santi clous say

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Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There
is a drug called “beer” that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. Female
sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them
are now using �Beer�.

The shocking statistic is that this “beer” is available virtually anywhere!
All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the
guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless
against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know… There is
safety in numbers…

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he’ll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
‘Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.’

‘OK,’ says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
‘You have one wish.’

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
‘Hey, I didn’t want a million ducks.’

The barman replies, ‘You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?’

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, “Yeah,that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Irish guy, “but it happened to me sister!”

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender says “Oh Dear! What is it? What do you have?”

“I have…………….. only fifty cents!”

This guy wlaks into a bar and tells the bartender that he can piss in a cup that is on the other side of the room and not get a single drop on the floor.

The bartender didn’t think he could do it, so he bet the guy $50. The guy pulled his pecker out and started pissing all over the place. He got it on the pool tables, the bar and everywhere else you can imagine. The bartender looks at the man and said, “You just lost $50”. The guy said yeah, but this man outside just bet me $100 that I wouldn’t come in here and piss on everything.

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”