Category: bar & drinking

Yo momma;s so srupid when she took the I.Q.test it came outd negitive.

A man came staggering into a bar and said, I want a drink. the bartender said,
forget it guy, you�re too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so
the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he
finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the
bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out
again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back
of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man
and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and
said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in
this town?

This guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys that’s
bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he
noticed this attractive lady sitting by her self. the guy walks over and sits
down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kind of like to get in your
pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and
says, i already have one a****** in my pants, why would i need another one?

3 girls walk into a bar the blonde one trips

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said “NO STRINGS ALLOWED.”

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said “Can’t your read?” and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

“Say,” asked the bartender suspiciously, “aren’t you the string I just threw out of here?”

‘Fraid not,” replied the string.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for

your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,

characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
“Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!”

The bartender does nothing.

So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.

“Jesus! He just jumped again!”

The bartender ignores the man.

So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.

“How did you survive that jump?”..”I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.”

So the guy quickly orders a ‘floatie’ drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!

The Bartender then says, “You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

put her in a circle and tell her to find a corner

WHY DO FARTS SMELL ?
FOR THE BENIFIT OF THE DEAF

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.”Let’s call It $150,” he says.The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?”

A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.
Bartender says “man you must be in a hurry ”

The man says ” you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents.”

Two guys of limited intellegence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.

On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF” out popped a tired old genie who said “ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m OUTTA here. Make it a good one”.

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!”

“Fine” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

“Great move Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “NOW we’re gonna have to piss in the BOAT!”