Category: bar & drinking

Your a fart face your a fart face oh i have got the rong bloody number

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guy’s really good! Where’d you get him?

Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.

Man: Can I try?

Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.

Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.

* Ten thousand ducks appear *

Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!

Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”.

The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

McMullen walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McMullen had done.

“What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”Moe looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.””I know,” said Joe with a sigh, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”

what do hindus worship?
obivosly stone!!lol

John Kerry walked in a bar. A guy asked Why a long face? John Kerry said ” I just lost an erection”.

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realised that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, “Come on over, Ma’am, sit yerself down right here next to me and have yerself a drink.”Thank you kindly Sir, but I’m afraid that I couldn’t,” replied the woman, “on account that I need to get bread.”The cowboy replied, “Uh, Ma’am, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!”

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that he would like a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. Disgusted, the tattoo artist replies,”I do NOT tattoo ANYTHING on ANYONES penis.” The man repeats, “Please, I really, really, want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis.” The tattoo artist again tells the man that he will not tattoo a hundred dollar bill on his penis. After a while of begging and pleading for a hundred dollar bill to be tattooed on his penis, the tattoo artist finally says, “Alright, give me three good reasons why you want a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your penis?” To which the man replied, “Well, I like to play with my money, and, I like to watch my money grow, and……….my wife can blow a hundred bucks in 30 seconds”

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, �Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?� The man replied, �There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!�

three blondes stranded on a island. they find a lamp and rub it, a genii comes out he says you can have one wish each 1st blonde says i want to be 25% smarter so she gets a log turns it into a canoe and sails to shore 2nd blonde says i want to be 50% smarter so she gets a log turns it into a ship and sails to shore 3rd blonde says i want to be 100% smarter so she turns into a man and walks over the bridge.

I�m am writing this little story in the day of the lives of Laura and Randy. It all started on a Sunday mourning, bright and early, with boredom. We decided to spend a fun filled day with all the luxuries of our lives. We decided to start the day with a ride on his Harley, witch we both enjoy the freedom of the road. We road for a couple of hours and a took a well needed rest, so then we decided to take a cruise on my boat, which we also enjoy, because of all the quiet and alone time, with no one else around, not even a phone. We cruised for around a hour or so and decided it was time to get something to eat, so we returned home and jumped in the explorer and headed down the road to get something to eat. Well we hit the road and came across a Rite Aide, and I decided to ask him to pull in and get me some Captain Morgans, and he did just that. As he left the liquor store he put my alcohol in the back of the explore, now my day seemed to be complete. So with all he did with me and for me, I took it upon myself to make his day complete too. So I began to play with all his emotions, an got quite carried away. The next thing I knew I heard a knock on the window and as I raised my head, I saw a Cop standing at the window, boy I couldn�t believe what was happening. As Randy�s eyes rolled back in his head, I didn�t know if he had seen the cop or was just enjoying the moment? Next thing I heard was the cop ask me to step out of the car, and as quick as I could pull myself back together I did what he asked. The next thing I new I was under arrest for pubic drinking. Holy Crape I thought to myself. The officer explained this was better the being arrested for soliciting. At this time I wasn�t for sure what was any better than the other, but I calmly held my composure. Than the cop looked in the back seat of the explorer and saw the bottle of liquor, and without thinking Randy responded you can buy liquor on Sunday. O�boy the cop asked Randy to step out of the car, as he placed the handcuffs on me. He informed Randy, he also was under arrest for trying to sell his girlfriend to an officer. I believe the cop misunderstood Randy�s response, and thought he offered let him lick-her on Sunday so the officer placed handcuffs on Randy, and charged him with pandering. Shit o Shit what did we get ourselves into on such a beautiful Sunday afternoon? He then placed both of us in the back of the police car. Without thinking I said this really SUCKS. Then you won�t believe what happened next. The cop charged me with attempted bribery, or in other words sucking up to an officer. I knew we both were done for at this time, but it doesn�t end there, I again without thinking responded boy did I stick a foot in my mouth. The officer at this time lowered his cheap sunglasses, and in amazement he laughed this crazy insane laugh I�ll never forget, believe that. He said to the both of us, I�m going to have to let you off on all charges, there was no way in hell he wanted to finish his police report ending with my statement, that I stuck 12 inches (a foot) in my mouth. So with a sigh of relief we got back in the explorer and went on our way. Let this story be a warning to anyone considering pubic drinking, don�t try it unless you can swallow 12 inches. And if you can swallow that you probably swallowed this story too.