Category: bar & drinking

A man walks imto a bar

OW!

2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent “shabagoemdallada” and the uther one goes “shut up BOB your drunk!!”

A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4. ”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer. ”Okay,” says the bartender, ”if you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, ”If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, ”You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” ”Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. ”Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”

‘You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.’ – Frank Zappa.’Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.’ – Ernest Hemingway.’Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.’ – Winston Churchill.’He was a wise man who invented beer.’ – Plato.’Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.’ – Catherine Zondonella.’A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.’ – W. C. Fields.’Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. ‘Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.’ – Churchill’s reply.’Sir, you’re drunk!’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. ‘Yes madam, and you’re ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.’ – Churchill’s reply.’If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.’ – David Daye.’When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ – Henny Youngman.’Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin.’If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.’ – Jack Handy.’Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ – Dave Barry.’The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.’ – Humphrey Bogart.’Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.’ – David Moulton.’People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.’ – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.’Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.’ – Kaiser Wilhelm.’I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.’ – Homer Simpson.’Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.’ – Unknown’I drink to make other people interesting.’ – George Jean Nathan.’They who drink beer will think beer.’ – Washington Irving.’An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.’ – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.’You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.’ – Dean Martin.’All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.’ – Homer Simpson.

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bet you cannotread this!!!!!!

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.”Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.”What was that all about?””Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

-Your job is interfering with your drinking.

-Youre doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

-Career won’t progress beyond the court.

-You sincerely believe alcohol to be to elusive 5th food group.

-Two hands and just one mouth – becoming a huge problem.

-You can focus better with one eye closed.

-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

-You fall off the floor…

-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner!

– At AA meetings you begin with: “Hi, my name is …uh …”.

-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

– You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm

– Roseanne looks good.

– That damn pink elephant followed you home again.

poo

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. He’s standing at the urinal in the men’s room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, “I was in the men’s room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock! The bartender says, pointing, “You mean those three guys at that table over there?” “Yes”, the man says, “They’re the ones.” “Well,” replies the bartender, “those guys aren’t black. They’re coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.”

Stage 1 – SMARTThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKINGThis is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 – RICHThis is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.Stage 4 – BULLET PROOFYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!Stage 5 – INVISIBLEThis is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no
teeth, on the bar. he asks the barman what the ferret is for.

“that, sir,” says the barman�, is a gentleman’s pleasure.”

so saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. the ferret
scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blowjob he’s ever
had. afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.

“no can do�, he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and
everything�.

the man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. that night
the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe
wife is eating chocolates. he puts the ferret on the table and says:” look what
i bought for $1000. its a gentleman’s pleasure.”

“what do you expect me to do with it?” asks the witch.

“teach it to cook and then f*** off!” says the man.